Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Mary Black Bonnet
A huge chasm flows
for Lakota between Christmas and the New Year.
The date burned into our hearts, our minds, our memories;
even if we weren't there.
December 29, 1890.
When the snow was stained
with the blood of the helpless.
If you're quiet, you can hear the screams of terror,
the terrified cries of innocent babies, the trampling feet.
The horrific deafening Gun shots;
the thud of bodies.
The bitter snow underneath, as souls left bodies;
only to be bound to earth.
If you're not sickend,
you're not paying attention.
Celebrate your holidays,
ring in your new year.
But send a prayer, a song,
a whisper up, for lives lost.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Mary Black Bonnet
Turkey Day plus two,
you walked into my dream.
Apologizing your tardiness,
you were checking on the kids.
We talked, laughed,
I almost forgot you were dead.
We watched someone’s children playing outside,
you told me to be careful, they’d need me.
Your meaning slipped by me at the time,
then the boys came.
My precursor to mother hood.
I remember the day you died…
the deep, gut- level, body wracking sobs
that only come from true sorrow.
The way I hid in my truck,
cried myself into a state of sleep.
Not caring if I ever woke up.
We gathered together again
and found resolve to somehow go on.
Knowing if we gave up,
you’d be pissed.
I left for my own house that night,
completely spent and numb.
I saw you walking down the road..
you smiled and waved.
And I knew you were home.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Monday, September 15, 2008
She is so incredibly devestated.. I saw her and had to look twice. It is sad and amazing how loss can change our lives so increbibly. Physically change it. It can age us in a minute. As I was watching my friend and noticing how hard this was on her, how she seemed to exude her immense grief, my mind went to how in one instant and by one choice made by another person, so many lives are changed. It's so incredibly powerful. It also reminds me of how I always say and think: someone somewhere is affected by another's actions. whhh, it's all so heavy and sad.
In another blog I regularly read, a woman is dealing with the heavy news that she will never conceive a child on her own; she wrote about how she can speak cynically of it to people she barley knows and yet she can't speak of it to her friends and family. The heaviness of her burden and fear and yearning wafted through the computer screen. I've been there, I know of the loss and fear and yearning she has. I am so grateful for turtle. I know how hard it is to yearn for something almost obsessively, how you lose sight of everything else and only those who have been there can truly understand. About two years ago, I sat at a table in a coffee shop with a friend and burst into tears when she asked about how our journey was going. This woman and I became friends because I was constantly babbling on to anyone who would listen about my desire to have a child. She spoke very openly to me about her struggles and that helped a lot. To this day, she is one of my dearest friends. To be heard, in anything, is so important. When we had turtle, she was one of the main ones right next to us, rejoicing with us. And don't get me wrong, there were MANY people who rejoiced when turtle was born. She was everyone's baby. And she was and still is SO VERY loved by so many people. My life is beautiful, and I try not to forget it for one second. I"m so very grateful for my situation and have empathy for those who are having a rough time of it right now.
A big sigh, the dichotomies of life. It's like dog shit among roses... something so beautiful mixed in with something rather gross, stinky and undesirable.
Life is hard, and I wish I could envelope both these women into healing hugs. I hope things get better for them and I wish I had a magic wand to make things all better. Sometimes, life can really suck... but when it doesn't, it is truly amazing. We don't know, where any of our journeys will take us, but if we keep going.. it will be worth it. Eventually. I jsut hope these women hold on, and surround themselves with loving, nurturing caring people who will understand, validate and support them. That is what will make this rocky time a bit easier.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Wow, one year ago, you came here to bless our lives, and 365 days later, we are still amazed at you!!
You had a fabulous birthday party with many people in attendance, and you were smashing in your green little romper!! (green so appropriate!)
I will post pics soon.
You are still the love of my life!!!
In honor of your then- soon- to- be- arrival: The poem I wrote for you!!!
Cunksi he u, nahan iyomakipi.
Heti el mita cante
He miye cante
Daughter is coming
her journey has been long,
I’m honored by her.
Another shaking of me,
an evolution of my self revolution.
My tongue has returned,
my roots replanted.
She is my heart,
balm for a soul wound, recently healed.
My eyes opened to the losses,
understanding the gifts left in their wake.
I want to say,
she will be my eyes, my heart, my tongue.
But I know,
if I didn’t already have these,
she wouldn’t be here.
I could write all the amazing things you do... but i would rather crawl back in bed and snuggle up to you.
I will write them here later.
untehilapi lila tonka Cunksi,
Ni Ina na At'e.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
I hung it at four this p.m. I can't believe it, my first photo show, and my first artist of the month gig. Yey!!!
S.H.P's thank you so much!!!!
I titled it "Ableza" which means to look or see clearly. There will be an article in the paper about it, so when it is out, I'll post it on here.
If you are in "heart city" this month, go by and see it, it's in the library. If you want to see it, but don't know what the real name of my town is, email me and I'll tell you. Ok, one thing crossed of my to do list this month.. now I need to go get that obituary written.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
The good news is, most of the photos are printed for the show... the bad news is, I may yet change my mind and print twenty new ones up...at the last minute.
Turtle and I have been biking everyday this last week, almost all day actually. We only stop to take naps and at the end of the day when it is time to be domestic and do things like make, and eat, dinner. ah yes, you do not know about this new development in our lives. My saving grace. See, mihigna and i found a bike seat that attaches to our bikes on the bar in front of us, from One Step Ahead..(the BEST place for parents!) and we bought it, but it took FOREVER to get here, but it finally did. Then our friend, C.B put it on and away we went! You will have to see it to fully know what i"m talking about, so when I can, I'll have someone take a pic so I can post it. It is absolutly the BEST THING ever! It has a windshield and a guard that goes below to protect her legs, and it has a helmet, because you know, INFANT helmet are HARD to find!
I love having this bike, it has made my life so much better! See, she has grown bored with the stroller, it doesn't go fast enough, so this has been the perfect solution!
One step Ahead is the most awesome place we have found since becoming parents, they sell everything for babies and children. We are buying cunksi her holloween costume there. Any guesses what she will be this year? Leave me your guess in the comments and the winner will receive free products from my peaceful products homemade bath product line.
Today, Cunksi and I rode west on the trail and down to the bridge and looked down at the river, where we watched a momma doe and her baby play down below in the water. It was very cool.
In terrible news, Cunksi has been constipated, and it has been terrible. There is nothing worse than your child being in pain. So, I got out the acidolphilous, another MUST HAVE for parents, and that seemed to help. We looked in one of our books and it listed things NOT to give your child if constipated, and holy shit if I hadn't been giving her three of the four things on the list almost daily. I felt like a shit and a terrible mother, not to mention super guilty. eggghhh!!!! I hate that I added to her, if not caused her discomfort. Blegh, I'm a terrible mom. I hope she is all better tomorrow... I feel so bad.
Anyway, the other good news is, the invitations are out! So be looky looky in your mail boxes.
My turtle is turning one... still hard to believe.
ok, well, I guess that is all I have for now. I am going to go to bed.
Monday, August 25, 2008
And ten years since I've been HOME.
It was much fun! Mihigna and I, little turtle and our friends all went, it was really really fun. I even got to ride some really great rides. See, R.F has THE BEST RIDES, and my two favorites were there, the orbitor and the hurricane! Oh yah, the ones that make you scream your head off and scare the poop out of you, yep, those are the ones. I LOVED IT!
Turtle got to ride on the carousel, her favorite! But we just know she is going to be the zipper type girl. She can ride it, while her At'e and I watch from below. She has NO fear.
The weekend TOTALLY ROCKED. We didn't dance in grand entry because I didn't get our regalia done in time, but next year, we will be there. Plus, turtle will be dancing in tiny tots! too cute!
All else is good here.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
The Beatles or the Rolling Stones?: Depending on mood..but mostly the stones
Wintertime or summer?: summer if i must choose
Into kids or not?: I LOVE KIDS
Long hair or short hair?: long
Tattoos or not?: NOT
Whiskey or beer?: EWWWW
Religon or spirituality?: the latter
Camping or not?: the former
Legalize it or not?: what?
Paper or plastic?: cloth please
In person or on the phone?: in person
Social or anti-social?: social
Coke or Pepsi?: COKE
Recycle or just throw away?: RECYCLE
Dine in or Drive thur?: at home please
Bar or party?: neither
Rave or festival?: festival
Vintage or new?: Vintage
Car or Truck?: Truck
Mexico or Hawaii?: Neither
Lust or Love?: both, for the right reasons
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What are you listening to right now?: nature sounds
What time is it?: ten p.m
Do you use Windows Media Player or iTunes?: itunes
Which browser do you have?: IDK
Whats your desktop background?: the most beautiful creature in the world
Do you have a profile pic?: yah
Whats your profile song?: Not Ready To Make Nice
Where was your profile pic taken?: ?I don't remmeber
Since summer began, how often do you log on?: twice a week at least
How many friends do you have?: many
How do you know the people on your Top Friends?: dear friends
How often do you watch movies?: never these days
Whats the last one you watched on TV?: the opening ceremonies
What about in theaters?: HAAAA!!! I gave birth, and gave up my theater going.
How many times have you gone to the movies this summer?: HAAAA!! I'll tell you that when I pick myself up off the floor.
Who’d you go with?: You make me laugh
Do you buy CD’s or download songs?: both
How many do you have?: MONDO
Whats the last CD you bought?: Black Lodge Singers: Kids pow wow songs
…The last song/CD you downloaded?: beats the hell outta me..it's a long time ago.
Do you like rap?: not hardly
How about Country?: a select few
What other genres do you like?: classic rock, classical, jazz, native,
Do you wear makeup?: NOPE
Do you have a pet?: lots
Is your hair up or down right now?: down
Can you wait to go back to school?: Not applicable
Do you have an account with You Tube?: somewhere
Do you own a stereo?: actually..no.
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Here is my baby turtle on her second day of life!!
She was such a joy to be pregnant with and give birth to. She is an equal joy to parent. I'm so blessed.
I love her so! She's an amazing turtle!
I can't believe she is 11 months old today! She is growing up!!!
Today, she is trying to walk on her own.
It will be only a matter of days.
I'm happy and sad.
Time goes waaaaay too fast.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Yes, I received word on Sunday that he was dead.
But, after much digging and calling and a wonderful friend, who is an ex cop.. i was able to find out that he is fine and alive.
We are still working out the details of the arragements for sister's service... but at least now we don't have to do two.
It's been a long hellish week. two weeks? hell i don't know anything these days.
It will get better, i know it will.
I'm going to be ok... always am.
Besides, I have the most amazing husband in the world who knows, supports and understands me.. for that I am SO SO grateful.
Plus,I've got a precious turtle to take care of....and no matter how shitty life looks...it is never all that bad.. because they are here. Him in his infinite wisdom, warmth and love and she,in all her fabulousness.
So, I'm stepping out of the sorrow sandbox and putting my bare feet in the nice warm grass and walking on.
thank you for your prayers and well wishes... flying tomatoe... i need your number and email.. email them to me please.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Anyway, so cunksi and I came back to the house and just guess what was waiting for me?????
My late birthday-anniversary gift.
A Nikkon D60!!!!
I was effing speechless! Mihigna took care of Cunksi while I opened the box, muchly child-like. I'm so incredibly happy to have that thing... I took pictures in the house, in the dark, after cunksi went to bed. I LOVE IT!!!!!
After Cunksi wakes up from her nap, we are heading out to snap some photos!!!
Mihigna rocks my world... I'm so effing lucky!
And trust me, I don't ever forget it either.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
This is a documentary by Zana Briski who put camera's in the hands of the youth in Calcutta and taught a photography class there, and got involved in their lives. It's amazing and heart wrenching and if you think your life is bad, watch this movie. You have nothing to complain about.
You can see clips of it via you tube to the right. And you can get it on netflix.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Here, she's giving her cousin a little turtle bite!!!
We got new furniture today, what mihigna and I call our "grown up" furniture. A REAL couch and REAL recliner. Cunksi thinks they are pretty cool. I heard Mihigna telling her this evening.."Before you came cunksi, Ina and I lived like bohemians. But now you're here, so we have real furniture."
I laughed, because it's true. I was such a bohemian, waiting anxiously until my next chance to travel or go adventuring. But now, not so much. I"m settled. I can just sit and be. I think Cunksi has everything to do with that. She makes me so happy. I love her so.
Tonight, she was crawling around on my legs and lost her balance, and did a face plant. OMG!!!!!!!
I freaked out...( bad me, I know) but holy crap, the force with which she hit, I couldn't help it. I scopped her up, and held her close, trying to comfort her and yet crying myself. But my saying omg, and scooping her up so fast and then crying... it scared her more. It was horrible, horrible I tell you.... it made me SICK to my stomach. So I had to get it together and stop crying and then she settled down. but holy shit... my stomach hurt so bad for awhile. She is getting mobile, and i know she will have falls but holy hell. I barely made it through my nephews learning to walk, how the hell am i gonna make through my daughters?????
I know I can't scoop in and save her from every fall, but GD! I wish I could!!! I know this is just another reminder that I can't protect her from everything and that it is part of her development and exploring the world... but holy hell.... how do any of us parents make it through this. She was fine, not hurt, just scared. It was worse on me, hello, welcome to parenthood. ...........
Holy, Holy, hell. That is all I can say.
The furniture rocks though!!
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
And right now, you can watch the trailer and an interview with Tantoo Cardinal on the sidebar via You Tube.
Watch her interview, she really says some important things.
So, go watch it. Then come back here and tell me what you think.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Day two went by beautifully, and the weather was gorgeous!
we walked down to the market with baby girl in the stroller,she was thrilled, loved being outside. we took a stroll down the main walking path that runs through town.. it was an awesome day.
Baby girl is loving it here, so are we.
Friday, April 18, 2008
And my dear friends here, (in town) how I will miss them. I've been trying to see everyone, and I'll see a couple of my friends over these next two days, it will be hard. It was hard tonight...such a bittersweet time. I said good bye to one of my close friends last weekend, but it was still far enough away that it hadn't really sunk in yet... now it is. I feel weepy.
So much to look forward to, and yet, a bit to be sad to leave behind.
Cunksi and her Ate are fast asleep. I can't get my mind to quit, so i'm awake. Lots to do tomorrow. Then we'll load the truck. Sniff......
i should go try to sleep.
I'm tired, and sick of all this moving business.
cunksi is sick of it too. She is going through separation anxiety.....from me..... and teething.
Spending time with her Ate, simply WILL NOT do. It's INA and ONLY INA. All others will get a screaming, crying reaction.
Meanwhile, we have to pack up the rest of the stuff and clean the house. So, I have put her in the sling... THANK GOD FOR THAT THING...(did I mention ho I couldn't live without that?) and have gone about my business, fairly easily. I read someone's post about how she was sick and her son wanted her, she said.."the thing about attachment parenting is (his name) is always up my ass."
That is soo true.
But it is so worthwhile.
I know she needs me to be with her right now.. things are all out of whack with our usual schedule, and she knows something big is going on, and in addition.. her teeth hurt.
It's ok. It's going to be OK.
I'm a mom, this is what I was put here to do.
Tonight, we will be going to Mihigna's going away party, his coworkers are throwing for him. Sweet.
Bad timing, but sweet. It will be nice to see everyone and say our goodbyes, they are all very nice, very kind, very sweet people.
they will be missed.
For now, I'm off to see if I can do some more packing.. which is more resemblant at this point to.. find a box and start throwing shit into it, we'll figure it out when we get there.
I look over at cunksi and get caught, she is so amazing, does such amazing things... i would rather sit here and watch her all day.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
I think I am going to go to medical school, or get a PHD in clinical Psych.
My friend and I were sitting around talking and she has informed me that these are good choices.
How ironic, I'd never seriously considered either one before, and now it is like, why not.So, here I go.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
they say we will have a thunderstorm tonight... our first of the season. How very exciting! Mihigna and I love thunderstorms... well, he more than I, the boominess and sudden crashes frighten me a bit... I'm afeared of getting struck by lightening. But it makes snuggling up to him all the nicer. I like them during the day.
The first t-storm means that spring is really here. The return of the thunder beings... in Lakota culture, we have a celebration for it and everything.
I'm excited. Changing seasons always excite me. Spring is wonderful, rebirth, renewal, clearing and cleansing. Spring means time to shake off the dust of winter and get realigned.
And now, mihigna and I have all these new things happening. Soon we will have a new home, new adventures, new surroundings... all sorts of newness, coming up like daffodils. And this year, we have a wee one to share it all with. (Did I mention I LOVE being an Ina?)Part of the newness is that I'm going to make it ...try to make it, more regular that I'm posting, and not be quite so absent for so long.
But for now, kiohphya.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Fun things have happened around the artichoke patch lately. Big things as well.
Mihigna bought me a new van, a very smart, very stylish, 2007 Grand Caravan.
I LOVE IT!!! (Who knew I'd ever say that?)
That thing IS smart, it practically thinks for itself. It lowers the brights if someone is coming, and you forget to do it yourself... I'm SO guilty of that.
It knows when someone is not buckled up or has unbuckled their belt and sets off this annoying, LOUD, dinging until said offender has made things right. This will come in handy when cunksi starts to go through her, unbuckling of the seatbelt phase. It is truly a fab van, I'm in love.
There is other news, but I'm not ready to share. Must go now, Cunksi needs abu.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
My friend had her baby!! He is soooooo cute!! I went to see them last night... oh my gosh, I can't believe cunksi was that small once... even smaller, since her baby was 7# 11oz. So tiny!!!!
It has gone by so fast, these last five months.. I can't believe it. My friend had a hellish tiime with her delivery, poor thing... I'm glad she and the baby are ok.
I gotta go... cunksi is trying to stand on her head.....
Thursday, February 7, 2008
I rarely have time to post these days... so much of my time is wrapped up in a smallish sweet smelling, cuddly turtle. Then when I do get on here, all I seem to do is talk about her, and I'm sure some of my readers are BORED by that.
J.K. (only slightly)
I'm trying to find the balance of where she ends and I start again. People keep asking if I'm writing or painting, or sculpting. The only writing I have done is the logs in her baby book. I have been painting... I have finished a series of paintings for nurseries that are for sale. Yey. But no real words on paper, of the literary type.
I'm just absolutely engulfed by her. I think I will get up in the middle of the night, while she is asleep and write, but I can't tear myself away from the precious creature that lays beside me, I still wake up at night and stare at her, in wonderment, amazement and joy. She nuzzles into me and she fits as perfectly outside me as she did when she was inside.
i have two dear friends who are expecting soon. One is due this month and the other, next. It will be exciting to see it all from the other side. We've been all a chatter about the journey. It's been fun to watch others go through such an amazing wonderful time.
I must go now.