Wednesday, August 22, 2007

A low hum

There is a low hum that has been running through me the last two days. It almost feels like a low grade fever, or like you feel right before you come down with a cold... it's this hum of energy that flows through you. You can feel it, but you can't see it yet. It's a bit like anxiety...but not of the nervous, freakish kind. Like the waiting for something to happen kind. I suspect it's the baby... but then nothing happens and I'm left all restless like. I can't eat or sleep much... I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. I should sit down and write... but then I grow uncomfortable, and I have to get up and move around.
In other news... I will probably take a teaching postion on the spring at a Tribal college. (Location purposely withheld.) I have a friend who is an instructor there as well and they have been trying to get me to come teach for some time... but the details were never right. But now they are bringing me in as a visiting writer and then I'll teach a couple of classes for them. I'm also going to do a workshop there, which makes me really happy. So, that is exciting.
Our air conditioner in the bedroom is broken.... which makes sleeping not fun. I sleep for about two hours a night... and two hours a day. My belly is too big to get comfortable very long. I have slept my two now I'm up for the night.
Trying to live life normally.
But that hum is there.
Just below the surface.
Like a gnat flying by your ear. Too small to see, but you're highly aware of it's presence.
I have a dr's appt tomorrow.
I'm fairly sure, nothing will happen between now and then and tomorrow night.
But I could be wrong.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

I'll just go ahead and say it

I'm ready to go into labor.
Any day now.

Cunksi... just thougt I'd let you know.
You're welcome to come... any day, any minute. I'm up for the adventure.
We're ready.
Even your butt covers are here.

It's sort of become like everyone lined up and hiding at a suprise party....waiting for the guest of honor to appear.

Just thought I'd vocalize it.

Yesterday and Today

I went to my sisters house last night and hung out with her... and we ended up staying up till 1:30 a.m.. which is no big deal for me cuz i've got insomnia anyway... but it was a bit much for her. But we were rolling on the floor laughing because i was regaling her with my hospital/IHS mishap stories. She found them highly amusing.. which they are, they are tragic... but SO funny! Tragic humor. Seems to be my life story. LOL. It was great... and the stories ARE funny.... I'm just glad I'm still around to tell them... as they could have all turned out badly. I htink her favorite one was the one where I broke my arm, and becuase of where i was living at the time, it took two days to get to the hospital and when I finally got there.... i couldn't get any help because the hospital was being evacuated. Damn prairie fires anyway. Anyway.... it was fun.
Today, we spent a good majority of the day at riverboat days... my sis and I, cuz we wanted to see Brule play. While I was there, i saw a few very cool vermillionites... and two other good friends from yankton.. so that was nice. Hubbs had to go in to do some work at the office, then he joined us... we all had (a very expensive) lunch and looked a bit at some of the art booths. But it wasn't long before I was too wore out to go on... so we headed home.
I took a nap for about an hour and then we went to my sisters house where she and i hung out and hubbs and cephansi went for a 10 mi bike ride. Then it was dinner time. And hanging out time... my dad called while i was there.. so he got to talk to me, sis and hubby. He's going through some stuff right now, cuz he is retiring and trying to move from his old house to his new... and all the insanity that ensues there. He owned his own business and all kinds of other things that make it harder for him to "just retire". Lots of loose ends to tie up. I told him to tie them all up and THEN come out and see us and the baby.... I want to spend time with him. So he was glad to hear that.... he has that grandpa thing going on where he thought he had to BE here as soon as the baby was born... but I said no. I would rather have him here later and spend time with him then have him rush here nad then turn around and have to leave. Besides... between all the vermillionites... she will have so many visitors as it is already. She's a very lucky and loved baby.
which reminds me.. baby update... went to the dr on thurs.... she has moved down into the pelivs and is in postion to be born... so now the countdown really begins. AND!!!! her diapers are finally here!! woot woot!!! the people at the store were like.. "what kind of diapers are those?"
So i was explaining that they are basically the 07' version of the cloth diaper... like a cloth diaper... but not. The clerk girl was really impressed and wanted to know why i wasn't using disposables.... and so i told her. She was all happy about it. She had a little tag next to her name tag that said: "I buy organic" So, i'm sure she got it. She said she was really happy i wasn't using disposables... which is what a lot of people say to me when i tell them. They are not as nearly happy as I am to be not using them. Even the hospital was impressed.... i had to talk to them and let them know we'd be bringing our own diapers. It is just such a relief to know that I won't be leaving a footprint in the landfill/earth in that sense, that will hang around for 500-800 years. The number still turns my stomach.
Ok, well I'm muchly ready for ohe.... for now, Mbb

Friday, August 17, 2007

Yes I'm Going to Wet the Bed

LOL, caught your attention didn't I?
I want it to actually cool down so I can have a fire, and have my friends over to enjoy it.... see if you haven't noticed, I love fire. Fire is fun, not in an arson kind of way... but a sit around and poke at logs kind of way. I have always loved fire, it was one of the actual GOOD skills I acquired from being a mormon and having to go to girls camp every summer. I learned how to make a mean fire, and made one every chance I got. (And get) Hubbs always say "You're going to wet the bed if you keep playing with fire." Which is funny, because I had never heard that wive's tale.
But anyway.. so the fireworks pictures are up and the belly pics will be up soon, maybe tomorrow, maybe the day after, then following those, or with them, will be the fair pics... of all the cute animals... and of course, the ones with the grown men on tractors... sorry, I don't think i have any good ones where their butts are hanging off the seats or their tractors are trying to buck them off.
I spent the day with my sister, which was fab, we talked alllllll day, which is always fun. It is so funny how we are totally sisters...She can drive me freakin' crrrraaaazzzzzzyyyy, but I love her as the day is long. I guess that is what sisterhood is about huh? We are both sort of counting down the days to the start of school, cuz then we have our girl time... and with her baby girl in tow, we all just hang out and be girls. Not in the sit around and put on makeup kind of girly girl way... in the old indian women kind of way. Where wesit-around-drink-coffee,laugh and talk like a bunch of old bitties sort of way. It is always about our family and husbands and such. We are as different as night and day, and yet, as I get older, I see this as a strength. It used to drive me nuts.. but now, it's helpful, because when I'm going WAY to fast, she can sort of pull me back, slow me down... and remind me to have patience, and I can be her kick in the pants when she is being too passive. And those sayings about sisters are so true.. I used to snort at them because I thought they were just cheesy fluff, but I see how true they really are. You know, the ones about how you will never have a relationship with anyone the way you have one with your sister. I get it now, and now I'm old enough to appreciate it. LOL. Evolution everywhere! :) Too cool!
And "My boys" (my nephews) are growing up!!!! Yey and Boo hoo! I have been with them since they all entered this world... and now the two oldest are well into teenhood and getting first loves.. ohhhh, it's soo...... I don't even know what the word would be. They both have had a rough road growing up... but they are doing well so far. I can't believe one is entering HS and one is in Jr High. It's wierd to see them going through some of the same things I and my sister went through when we were at that point in our lives.
I never really thought about what I was going through at the time... just lived it and got through it... but seeing it from an adult perspective now, it's amazing. To me, it was 'boring" everyday stuff, first time as a high school freshman, trying to find where you fit in, who you want to hang out with, first loves, first dances. It was all so blase to me... I hung out with who I wanted to, and didn't care about what other people thought... (no, I was never one for cliques or worrying over what other people thought of me. I just sort of charged through life and those around me could take it or leave it. I had no patience for any of the drama and angsty crap that most people ate up. I'm still the same way today. Since the small town drama irks the hell out of me) So seeing that boys also worry about having the "right friends" is so wierd. I never knew boys thought about that stuff. I see the oldest one trying to figure out who he is in the greater world and where he fits in... all normal stuff that I sort of just did. I realized early that I had been dealt a certain hand of cards that was what I had to work with, so I just concentrated on gettting out of high school as fast and as painless as possible. Thankfully, I did it (fairly) unscathed... but I see the things my oldest nephew worries about... and I want to do two things. A) Protect him. and B) Arm him with the knowledge that you can't please everyone, so just be yourself and be friends with whoever you want and how ever many people you want... and those who can deal with it will and those who can't, have issues bigger than you can solve. ( This is a lesson some of the adults I know need to learn.) When I was in school, I was a rotator.. (and to this day, I still am, sort of.) I hung out with all kinds of different groups... so I was never exclusive with just ONE clique. I liked a lot of different people for a lot of different reasons... and even though they didn't really like each other or would ever hang out together, they all knew that I hung out with both and they couldn't talk trash about each other.
I think it is a different world my boys are in today... not as simple,clean cut and "safe". Oldest nephew said he had to choose between two certain groups... and that bothered me. WHY? WHY do you have to choose? WHY? Why not be friends with both and give THEM the opportunity to step up and become better people?
And now I've blah, blah, blahed on and on. LOL. My main point is that they are both growing up and It provides me with a whole new look into the life of a teen ager.... so much different than mine was. More innocent in some ways.. but so much more violatile in others. I'm grateful that they are here in Vermtown where while it isn't perfect.. it is smaller and we have a bit more of a family feel here. Which is why my hs exp was not as tragic as it could have been.
Ok, shutting up now... for real. MBB


this even, hubbs, cahansi and I all went out for ice cream and pie... then we saw some fireworks on the way home... so we went to investigate... and saw a really great show. Will post pics tomorrow. be well, MBB


I'm in a mellow place. I'm very tired these days and doing a lot of sleeping, gearing up for little miss I suppose.
I dreamt the other night I was surrounded by women elders, we were all talking and just being, I felt loved and supported, and heard. I think it was because as I was falling asleep, I was thinking of my dear friends; many of whom are somewhat older than me, at least in the evolution sense... all wise and mothering and dear to my heart. It has been a wonderful realization for me to know that, even though I have lost important women, who were very dear to my heart, new ones have come to fill the void. Six years ago, I'd mourned the fact that my mother (birth) would not be here to see the birth of her Takoja,(grandchild) or two years ago, I was mourning the fact that dearest Tuwin (aunt) would not be here to play with and instill her wisdom in my daughter. But now I know, they, as well as all my other relatives, already know her, are taking care of her right now, are teaching her. And in the physical sense, other amazing women have come into my life to continue the lessons, gifts and joy my mother and aunt gave me... in different ways, but still. I'm glad I have evolved enough to know, and recognize this. It makes me all the more grateful for my dear friends.
My belly is getting bigger as the days go by and I'm feeling muchly pregnant. I'm not used to not being able to move about easily. I'm glad my belly is growing, that means baby is growing. She is still very active, and makes me laugh as she scampers about my belly, seemingly unaware that she is due to be born any day now. We have changed her name a bit... to be more suitable to her.
The countdown has officially begun, I know she will get here when she is ready... and I'm ok with that. I'm not going to rush her, or wish for her to be born any other time than when she is ready and when the relatives are ready for her to come. She is in good hands up there.
Nesting continues, which has been helped by hubby being off work the last few days. I love having him around, it is always nicer to be together than apart. I see him getting a bit nervous.. if there is a loud crash that he thinks may have been me, he rushes to make sure it wasn't, and he constantly checks in to make sure all body parts and systems are in proper working order. Such a sweetheart. There are quite a few crashes around here these days, as I am constantly dropping things and then must wait for someone to come pick them up for me. Though, when I am alone, I must do it myself.. needless to say I have gotten very adept at using my feet and my toes. If I can't get it with those.. it just stays on the floor until hubbs gets home.
In my dreams, baby is here, in all her small cuteness and adorability.
On one hand it is hard to believe that soon, two will be three and yet, it also seems so "natural". We installed the baby car seat in the car today... wow, it seems so wierd to have that in there. It is soo tiny... and so surreal that we are now a car seat couple. And that this year, when we take our christmas card pics, there will be a wee one with us. I'm so honored to be her mother... I can hardly wait to kiss her!!!!

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Baby news, animals and carn-.. well almost carnage

So, went to the dr today... and after some torture... (another thing NOONE who has had children before warns you of) found out that baby is doing well and though she is still dancing about.. things are "progressing" and she could get here anytime. wow. hard to believe. I asked my dr if i should be concerned that she hasn't settled into the pelvis and she told me no, sometimes babies wait till the very last minute. hmm, what did i say the other day about procrastination? LOL!!!
After the torment was over, I went and picked up the swing for baby that I have been wanting. I waited until after the shower, just to be sure. So, I was very happy to have that for her and, short of her diapers...(the ones I want) she will have everything she needs.... or at least I think she needs. :)'s all so exciting! Buying that swing made it a bit more real.. that in less than three weeks, a wee one will be here with us, for kissing and hugging and holding and loving!!!
Tonight.. hubs and I went to the clay co. fair. quite the spectacle for me. See, where I grew up, county fairs were on the scale of the sioux falls fair. So, seeing this clay county fair (for the first time might I add) was a bit funny (funny ha haa) to me. It's so small... and so short... three days??? what's up with that?
And no horses? Or horse shows or rodeos? Wierd. See, I was a 4-H girl... I prepared all winter and spring for the fair, I got my horse ready and did all my training. Then fair week came and I showed my horses, and camped out at the fairgrounds and did all the fun fair stuff, hung out with my fair friends, ate all the yummy carnival food i could only eat during fair week, rode all the midway rides, went to the dance at night...... looked forward to all of it. So, forgive me fo the laughter, but for me, this clay county fair is small potatoes.
BUT, one thing I have NEVER seen... was the tractor races. So, hubby and I went to watch. I couldn't stop laughing! And I couldn't believe this was real! I kept thinking it was some sort of joke, a huge joke for masses of people, like a comedy show. But, as I soon learned, it was very real, and these people (in the stands) take it very seriously. How dare I laugh my head off at a bunch of men driving around on little tractors, thier butts half way off the seat trying to out race each other. What was I thinking? And how dare I hope for some carnage... someone to be tossed on their kiester, or tip over, or something funny!!! I mean.. come on! Big men on what looked to me like children's tractors. .... How could you NOT laugh????? and hope for a tip over or two? Hubby said I was mean to wish carnage on them.. i didn't want anyone to get hurt...(after all, how hurt could you get when you are two feet from the ground on a child's toy?) Shit, I'm laughing about it right now....
So, needless to say, when there were wrecks, people running into each other, men (repeatedly) running into the berm, one or more going around a corner too fast and their tractors start to buck like horses, or tip up on two weels, I laughed Forgive me if this makes me seem cruel and heartless... I mean/meant no harm to anyone... but I did laugh... hysterically... and had to restrain myself from pointing. Besides...they were wearing helmets.
And also... the funniest part.... they have pace driver... who took his job VERY seriously as well.. he probably lives for this every year.. looks forward to it. Dreams about the day when he gets to ride his little tractor out there in his purdy yellow shirt... with his blinking little light on the back and his purdy flag flowing behind it.
Forgive me if any of you are die hard tractor race fans... i mean no disrspect... I've just never seen it before.
We did get to go see all the cute.. I wanted to hug and kiss them all.. but many of them looked at me as if i were nuts... but those lambs are just soooo cute!!!! and the cows.. with their babies.. awww... perfect for kisses! But, they'd have none of it. So, I took lots of pics instead.. which i will post later... tomorrow probably.
So, that was my day... baby went to her first fair... I was a bit tortured... and I got a good laff at grown men being dorky on children's toys.
I can hardly wait to see what will happpen over there next. I hear they do something with mud and buggies or something....that will i have to see.

Wed Eve

Well baby is busy growing.... and kicking.... and having a grand time. I am getting to the point though, where I wish she'd start thinking about putting that pelvic hat on, and preparing herself for birth. I am hoping she will, the closer things get.... though I'm not sure how close she'd like to cut it, as we are less than three weeks away from her "due date". Perhaps she has inhertied her Ate' and my sense of procrastination.
she is so very active, which of course, makes me happy. Kicking up a storm. Flipping around and pushing my ribs out to thier maxium length, that hurts. My ribs have become flared in the last few weeks and now my sternum is starting to seperate, that is a bit painful... about as painful as when my hips started to seperate. But, I'm not complaining... just perhaps whimpering a bit. LOL. It's hard to believe that about two weeks ago, i was all, "oh, i could stay pregnant forever..." and now reality and full on pregnancy has set in, and I am anxious for her to get here, as my body is feeling pregnant. I'm sure bodies have to do this, or women could be pregnant forever. All intellegent things, our bodies are such amazing pieces of work.
I have done a lot of sleeping and general resting this week. It hit me hard, and I'm having to rest much more now than I have throughout my whole pregnancy. I don't mind... I'm ready for it. LOL! I am not going through life at ninety miles an hour any more... more like a slowish turtle. Again.. gotta be a turtle to have a turtle!!! :)
For those of you who attended the shower.. your thank you's are in the mail.. so you should be recieving them within a day or two. I thank you for coming.. it was a pleasant wonderful evening.
Today I worked on getting more of baby's clothes organized and more of my hospital bag packed.... a bit here, a bit there. LOL. I'm really just finding things to do until she comes. It keeps me busy and the excitement in check.
My friend who was visiting me from back home left today, it was great having her here... and I'm finding my solitary groove again. I've had lots of vistors lately... both people from around town as well as ones from back home, that has been nice. Sort of preperation for after baby gets here.
Nesting kicked in big time today... but I can't do too much as I get tired so fast... so trying not to get too frustratd where that is concerned.
Life is good.
No, life is perfect. I have everything I could ever want. A best friend who is also my hubby, and a gorgeous daughter, both of whom I love more than anyone else in the universe.

Baby Joy

We had the baby shower last night, my wonderful friends were there, all of whom are dear to my heart. Baby cakes got some fabu gifts and the time was really enjoyable. My mother was in town for it, which was nice, but i didn't get to spend any time with here. My aunt was here as well... but i am ambivolent about her.
I'm getting more excited for baby to get here. She is sleeping a lot lately, she has much growing and putting on fat to do! :) I can hardly wait to see her, it will be so exciting. I should go send my thank you cards now... a little something to do before things get way too crazy.
Today is too humid again.. i will probably spend it working on T Y cards, and taking some naps.. I'm a little suprised at how very tired I am and get these days. I know it is from being at the tail end of my pregnancy, but I'm not used to being limited to be up for only a half hour at a time. If i'm up longer than that.... I get contractions.. so I'm resting.
For now, MBB

Tuesday, August 7, 2007


I haven't been generating a lot of words of which to put on here. In a very creative place still though... what words are created are recorded in my notebook, maybe for public consumption at a later date. Still doing a lot of other art-y things... photos which you can see in my photos. Sort of just internal right now. As I've evolved, I have become one who doesn't really need the outside influence of others.
Have a very dear friend here visiting.. which is fabulous and brings me joy. We are both deeply creative, so we can be in the same room, painting, writing, shooting.. etc, and not need words.
As time has passed, I've realized it isn't the number of friends you have, but the quality. And I am blessed with valuable, dear friends. I'm very grateful for them.
for now, Le Miye