HEAR MY HEART

Momma Can You Hear Me?

2011-02-06T22:58:00.006-06:00

This week and weekend was founder's day. I love this time of the year, it is the perfect reason to get out of our locked away-ness and socialize. Being able to wacipi is definitely helpful too!
I only went on friday and sunday. But both days were amazing. I saw so many people I love and on both days I met two different women who knew my mom. Personally, closely.
One told me that she was really good friends with her, and she knew her because she hung out wiht her in winner. The other one knew her because she is related to us via marriage.
Tehy both told me they loved her. The lady I spoke with today said mom was a champion jingle dress dancer. I knew she was a champion dancer, but I didnt know in what catagory. The lady today said that she danced the old style. For the first time in a long time, hearing about her didn't make me burst into tears, it didnt make that hole inside me twinge with sorrow and pain. The lady today asked about me, I told her that I miss my mom very much, but I know that everything I do, is to make her proud; it's what guides me.

As the days and hours have worn on, I feel it, the longing, it's the same longing to belong to someone. It's not as strong these days, but I still see mothers and daughters together, and it hurts a bit. I'll never have that. I don't feel like I have that. I have lots of women who love me, but none that I feel are like a motherly love, none that I can feel secure in, to rest my head on. It's the same feeling/thought I'd get when I'd watch my friends with their moms growing up. Knowing that you can be loved by a "replacement" mom, but knowing too that it isn't secure, because you aren't "really" theirs.
I said that to the woman I met on friday. The thing about being ripped away from your mother and not getting to see her again, alive, is that you can't trust others to care for you. You can't settle in, knowing that someone will be there, if you need them. I dont know. Maybe its just me. I have spent years crying myself to sleep, or alone in the dark crying, knowing that there is no woman out there who I could call up; not without feeling awkward, or justifying my call. Writing this now, makes me cry. It's my bruised soul that never fully goes away. I spent years trying to find a replacement, for that hole that she occupied, even in her absence; the closest I came was Auntie. She loved me unconditionally, mothered me, looked out and cared for me better than any other woman from the time I was taken from my mother. She loved and cared for me from the time I got back to South Dakota until the day she died. Her death about tore me apart. It was after her death that the hole returned, the feeling of being an orphan, the feeling that I was alone in this big world. Oh I've had lots of women who see the orphan in me, want to take care of me, but I'm not sure I let them. Some of them have told me, they have not let themselves.

It's a harsh thing to be torn from your mother too soon. My mother wasn't perfect, but she loved me, she loved me completely and I knew she loved me. I was 18 months when I was taken, we were together long enough to form that cruical bond and knowing I was loved by my mother is what I know got me through the hell I lived through when I was adopted. Even at that young age, it allowed me to know, the pain being inflicted on me was only temporary; I had a real mother out there who loved and wanted me. Bad thing was, she left before I could get back.
The quickest way to kill a woman or a child, is to separate them.

But as each sun rises, I'm still motherless. You can't raise the dead, and spirits only get you so far. Some days are harder than others. On those days I turn to my art, I work it out in painting or sculpture or writing. As a result, I have a ton of "mother" poems. And I focus on the fact that I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful perfect daughter who know she is loved, knows she is safe and thinks the world is perfect. I pray to God everyday, nothing mars her world. I know that my daughter and I have, and will have what I didn't; each other for as long as we are allowed. It makes me desperate to find her others who will love and support her god forbid anything happen. I dont want her to EVER feel lonely or orphaned in this world, because that makes for long, cold, lonely nights.

As far as my mom goes, I don't know if the pain will ever go away. It is a hole, I don't think will ever close. But I live every day knowing that what I can do, is make her proud. Do everything to make her know that those few months we had together, made me the amazing person I am. And she still gets credit for it, she was my beginning. I will always love her.

NOW HEAR THIS....

2010-11-04T22:41:00.001-05:00

I now have an "offical" webiste...so move with me will you?
I'm going to www.maryblackbonnet.com

As soon as we figure it out.. i will import everything here.
thanks! MBB

the scars that remain

2010-09-01T06:42:00.004-05:00

I am recovering slowly. At least to me slowly. The wreck really affected my heart and head in a way that ibuprophen cant' help.

I drove two places yesterday and the first time my body locked up and I got the worst migraine. The second time, my body locked up, I had the worst pressure behind my eyes. The second time i was driving us, the family, to the waterfall for an evening hike. mihigna said it was body memory. I hadn't even thought of that. I am well familiar with body memory, with my history. I guess I just never thought it would show up in something like this. I find myself wanting to edit my emotions regarding this experience, but stop myself, for myself.

The hike was a laborious effort for me. Mihigna said i was crazy for doing it. I thought the more I moved, the better I'd be. okay, the faster I'd be better. Mihigna said, "you have to deal with your pain the first 48 hours, then start returning to normal activity."

I need something, but I can't identify what that is.
Maybe it's too early, maybe I've ingested too much ibuprofen and not enough wakalyapi. maybe a walk will shake it off.....

SO EFFING AMAZING!!!

2010-08-21T00:24:00.002-05:00

So, I decided I was going to enter the juried art show this year; and went with my gut as to what photos to enter. I chose five, and two of them won awards!!!

WOO EFFING HOOO!!!!!

I'm sooo proud of myself!!!!!!!!

I entered fog and landscape, which I retitled, "Hanhepi waste" (good morning) and that won the Dooug Ballard memorial award!!

Then I entered Jump!

It was the pic of turtle I took at Merritt of her jumping; the sun is shining on her hair (very angel-esque) and her shadow is below her.

Seriously, I cannot stop smiling!! I'm soo freaking proud of myself.

Again, believe in yourself and amazing things will happen!!!!

I have more to say, but i'm going to go back to bed.

I'm sohappy sohappysohappy!!!!!

Rich saw them and said: "Now you can say you are an award winning photographer.

It just keep getting better!!!

a million miles an hour

2010-08-18T23:25:00.005-05:00

I have that feeling again.
The butterfly on acid feeling.
Ick.

I feel extremely driven to generate some work. Paying work, work that makes my morning commute on a plane and me living out of a suitcase and sleeping in hotel.
Now, more than ever I am keenly aware that I have the talent and the ability to support myself with my art.
I have always been able to do that,(thank god) but pre-child, I just took a lackadaisical approach; I'd get a few jobs here and there, no rush, no worry.

Perhaps it feels different now, because I have a child and so I feel as if I have been removed from the art world for the last two years; and it's time for me to emerge from that black hole.
Maybe its because I'm in this art no mans land, and I'm desperate to be back among my own kind. I just know it's an uncomfortable feeling and one I either need to fix, (hence, get the hell out of dodge as soon as possible) or find a way to make peace with, hence get gigs all over and travel again, which is really what I LOVE.
No matter what, I need to get on the ball and
*get my poetry book published,
*finish the book on wakaneja
*find a publisher for my lakota children's' stories
*find a publisher for my coffee table photo book.

*get some contacts who will be all over my ass in NY; for either my writing or my photography, or ideally, BOTH.

The one thing I have seen these last two years is, there is a lot of stuff out there, some of it good and some of it, not so good. But I know how amazing my work is, and I have just got to figure out how to get it into the hands of the people who will see and push it. I can't afford to be lackadaisical anymore.

It feels good to still have this many irons in the fire, but I would like a bit more fluidity to it as well.

I am not making any sense right now, because my brain wont' stop firing.

Writers retreat

2010-07-25T09:26:00.003-05:00

The WAN writers retreat was amazing. We started out with locals and then and by Sunday, we had two ladies join us from North Platte and one lady from Ainsworth! It was a great eclectic mix with everyone bringing their various levels of writing experience and life experiences to the table and that is what made the difference I think.

My workshop was a hit and the energy is the room was at a vibrant level, this stayed with us for much of the weekend.

I was so proud of all the participants, they absolutely trusted me and each other with their hearts, their vulnerabilities, and their writing. (Which I feel, are often all rolled in one.) There were a few who were in various stages of processing some grief and I'm glad they came, because they are now equipped with a tool to make that process easier.

There were really two things that came out at the retreat, and they were both things that tie humans together, no matter the gender. The one was grief and the other was realizing we dont take time for ourselves to nourish our souls enough. Granted the women talked of this mostly, as the men listened intently, thinking; "Oh crap, does that mean I have to do my own laundry and my own cooking?" (Ha Ha Bob and Dan!)

Speaking of men,there were only two in attendance for the whole workshop, old cowboys. But no need to worry about them, they were totally in their element, flanked on all sides by beautiful women!
It was so amazing because at the beginning, I don't think anyone had any intention of sharing their writing, but EVERYONE did. And that was the glue that bonded everyone together... even the words were spoken: "I thought I was the only one who felt this way."
And THAT is why I love writing, writing retreats and groups. Because you find out how UN alone you really are.
By Sunday we were all exhausted, because we had processed so much through our writing, that we were a bit draggy; but very happy.

I kept hearing people talking of how the retreat was healing, and that really touched me. That is not necessarily what I went in to do, but process took over what needed to happen, did.

The women and men I met as strangers at the start of the retreat walked away as friends and all now reside in my heart.

We have formed a writing group and we met for the first time yesterday.
But more on that, later.

My new post!!

2010-07-23T23:25:00.003-05:00

My new post is up at Life As A Human... AND I'm in the Author spotlight for the website! So, go read it!!!!!

www.lifeasahuman.com/2010/humor/the-boobie-prize

notes to self

2010-07-19T00:20:00.003-05:00

Wow, wow, wow.
I am so refreshed and rejuvinated and so much clearer, following this weekend.
That writing workshop, (it was really a retreat)was so incredible! My workshop went fabulously, my readings were amazing, and the whole experience was healing and inspirational for everyone there. I should have had my books to sell, but I didn't, so I know now, that needs to be remedied.

There is so much to say about it, but I'm not sure I can right now, I have returned home, put the turtle to bed, cleaned my kitchen and been talking with Mihigna about our 7 directions wellness business. I need to just stop and breathe and organize my thoughts.

WAN

2010-07-16T09:28:00.003-05:00

So, the WAN writer's conference starts tonight. I'm excited! I've got all the material I'm going to read ready and I've got my notes jotted down for my workshop presentation.
This is such a good thing for me right now, I really need this.
I hope I can separate Ina-ness from proffessional author much better this time around than when I gave my reading at the Staying Alive conference. That is the problem that I have laid my writing by the wayside for Inahood and without it, I'm spiritually, artistically drowning.
But, I'm working on it. Turtle is getting older and that gives me more time to write, if I am responsible about it anyway.
Okay, I want to go get more writing done while she is sleeping.

A new canon, baby

2010-05-27T00:06:00.010-05:00

So, things in my family are slowly returning to normal, post visit from an old friend.. in years, not so much in age.

One of the things her visit did do,(and there were so many others) was make me realize that there needs to be a wasicu reading list. For real, I'm serious. Having her here for a week, I felt like I was literally living out a Kent Nerburn book.

It would be ideal for people like her, who: A) never shut up, which makes learning anything impossible! and B) a quick reference guide for the completely ignorant or misinformed person this would also include the ones who only have the over romanticized and way off base ideas about our culture.

See, these would provide a look into some of the history, some of the important historical events, (from the REAL historians) many issues we have come up against, come from, and why some things are the way they are.
This will be a growing list, as I think of them, and there are sooo many.
But I realized this needed to be done, because she was here for a week, and she could have easily learned something and gotten more information and a quick education at the same time.

So here they are: In NO particular order other than when they came into my head.

*Birthed From Scorched Hearts,
Genocide of the Mind,
Eating Fire, Tasting Blood: all edited by Marijo Moore.
I have included these, not because my work is in them, but because they have some amazing, knowledgeable writers in them and they cover really important issues in Indian History that let the reader learn about our history without wanting to fall asleep

Custer Died For Your Sins: Vine Deloria Jr.
If you have read it, you understand why I'm including this, if you have not, then read it and you will understand.

Dammed Indians: The Pick-Sloan Plan and the Missouri River Sioux1944-1980: Michael Lawson
This issue is dear to my heart; I have done extensive research on this, and presented it various places.

Salt Camp: Ollie Napesni: a dear, sweet woman who taught at Sinte Gleska, (my tribal alma mater) This is a really great book if you want history laced with a true story.

The Dakota Way of Life: Ella Cara Deloria

And because they provide such an accurate (and hilarious) other side aspect, I have to include Kent Nerburn's
Neither Wolf Nor Dog
and
The Wolf at Twilight

There are so many others, which I will include, but it's about 12:30 a.m and I'm exhausted, so that is all for now.
And yes, I'm fully aware that they are pretty much Lakota based,(save the anthologies) but as a Lakota, that is the place I naturally come from first. (Plus, you know it, we are just plain kick ass!)

Lakotas in the house, Lakotas in the house, Lakotas in the house so wat ya gonna do?

Song:Lakotas by Lakota Empire) Turtle LOVES to sing this song!!

my new post

2010-05-03T11:37:00.003-05:00

My new post is up at Life As A Human

www.lifeasahuman.com/2010/pets/the-pig-whisperer

Workshop

2010-04-04T21:44:00.002-05:00

I will be giving a writing workshop at a writing conference in Valentine July 16-18, 2010. I will also be giving two public readings. More details to come. So please sign up and come spend some time with me and let's scribble, scribble, scribble!!

Hope you are all well,

More than just letters

2010-01-26T23:26:00.016-06:00

Tiwahe Wica Yu Wita Win

I've been thinking lately of my Lakota name. I always want to put it on things, i.e my phone(s); but never can, because the character allowance, is not long enough. it stops at Wit. If I type it in with no spaces, it will stop at: tiwahewichayuwitawi. Which, I guess might be OK. But I know better. It could be seen as acceptable as the shortened version of Win, or properly, Winyan.

I say I know better, because I do. I was taught the proper way to use my Language and why we need to use it that way. Even though, as the days go by, this concept seems to be slipping away with the ozone.
An elder of mine and I have had many discussions on how our culture has become what I call the 7-11 culture. Easy, fast, instant gratification. (I could post once a day everyday for the next year on THAT alone.) This isn't right. Our culture has always had its very own language and rules for the language, reasons for WHY words are the way they are. As an alumni of Sinte Gleska University, I will ALWAYS, ALWAYS, be for, use first, and defend (adamantly, if need be), our "true" language. The language that was put into print because of Albert White Hat.
Back to my name. Now, the proper word for Woman, is Winyan. Over time it has been acceptable to use Win. However, to use Wi, is shortening it for mere convenience, the word Wi has it's own meaning namely, the sun.

Knowing that, I refuse to perpetuate the convenience of my culture; I will not allow my name to be bastardized and shortened to Wi. First of all, my name is sacred, in the sense that it was given to me by my father, it was picked especially for me, and(to my foremost knowledge,) it is directly and correctly translated as is, without any adjustments needing to be made. Meaning, he did not have to come up with a Lakota translation for an English word.
I am VERY proud of my name. It envelops completely, my journey home and all the stepping stones that were put in place on that journey. It gave me goosebumps when I received it, because I knew what it meant, and flashed on a few specific times in my life when these events had happened. In a life so far away, and so foreign from the people whose blood flowed through my veins. It was another confirmation that the spirits had kept their hands in my life, and I had not been tossed carelessly to the greater world beyond.

I, by no means, am a fluent speaker, but I'm a constant student, as are most people,even in the English language. But this is what I know. I AM a Lakota Winyan, I am an Ina, a member of the Sicangu Nation, and therefore, it is my duty to not let our language, (or our ways) get bastardized by the wasicu "scholars" who want to make money off of it, and who, by the way DO NOT send one penny of that money back here to our tribe, our university OR our reservation. Nor can I allow it to drift away on the morning mist. I know that once it's gone, it's gone for good. And then we will be no better than, common mainstream Americans who once had a culture, but don't know much about it now.
Had I not returned home, I'd have been a Indian with no tribe, no language, no pride. But I have returned, I have taken my place in the hoop, and now I have this gorgeous daughter who speaks the language, knows her culture. She will grow up with the ceremonies, the traditions, the everyday, the this-is-what-we-do-because- this-is-who-we-are. She, will not know any different. As it should be. You cannot live your culture when it's "cool", "fun" or easy. If you are living as you should be, it will rarely be easy.
We have had far too many generations of soul-wounded, displaced, lost children who gravitate and latch onto any form of connection... (I.E, gangs). The time for that is over. We must do our parts to re instill the culture in ourselves, our lives, our children, our tribe. Do we have the answers to EVERYTHING? No. But that is what our tiwahe, tiyospaye and oyate, is for.

PS: I purposely did not translate my name. Maybe on a another day.

Surrender?

2010-01-14T23:56:00.008-06:00

Surrender?
Mary Black Bonnet

(For:"Inala" SBC)

I want to engulf you,
in bubble wrap.

Carry you gently.

Not because you are fragile or weak.
Anything but.

Rather Immense in your sacredness, wisdom
spirit and kindness.

All we need to be.

Some strive for it,
others look on.
Their insecurities flashing, blinding their vision;
sunbeams on a car bumper.

As they cruise into the sunset
too young to care for this moment.

They don't see what lies ahead.

Acculturation.
Assimilation.
In its worst form.

Strong Proud warriors,
now common sheep.
The hard fought battle
can't be over!
Not yet. Not like this.

This war has been too long,
claimed victims too many, brought victories too few.

For a flip of the hair,
the boom-boom of bass
in a hot rez rod.

As they leave their
Proud, mutilated, Beautiful, culture
in the rear view mirror.

When the dust clears,
a raw, gaping hole left in its wake.

As they wave to us,
from the other side of the glass.

Dribble drather

2009-11-08T20:20:00.006-06:00

I've been away from my blog, but not away from writing, or arting by any means.
I've just finished an essay for Florida Review and wrapped up a photo show.
Things are good. I realized, finally, that walking away from art, especially writing, just wasn't going to happen. It wasn't meant to. It stalked me like a hunter, it came to me in dreams, it tugged at my heart, my mind, my hands.
I'm glad.

There have been other things going on as well, but I've not sorted through them. I'm a pretty private person. I don't really allow my "rawness" be shown, until I'm good and ready. You all may find this shocking considering how raw I write in publications. But it all comes out only after much mulling, healing, and editing. So, when the time is right, I will talk about what is going on here, the pull is there so it won't be long.

Turtle came to my show today, which was a huge relief, or we'd have been apart for 4 hours, the longest in our whole time together. It would probably have been harder on me, I'm sure. We're so connected, so enmeshed. I love being with her, she is hilarious and funny, and smart. I love talking to her, listening to her. Life with her continues to be mind blowingly amazing.

At the show i saw a woman with a 3 month old..my uterus started throbbing, and my arms started tingling. I remember turtle that tiny, that young, that new. i reminded myself that there will be another one soon...but I still wanted to snatch that baby up, hold her, smell her, kiss her and snuggle her. It was sad, because the mother of the baby, was a teen mother and couldn't care less about that baby, that special time she has right now. A mother who hadn't "meant to" get pregnant,(UM HELLO, that's what CONDOMS are FOR!! GRR) and now sees her beautiful gift as a hindrance to her fun. It was heartbreaking.

I walked out and there was turtle, running up to me, jumping into my arms, her little arms wrapped around me as she nuzzled into my neck. She smelled like fresh air. I held her as I spoke with people, and she helped, telling them where we took our photos, complete with hand signals. ohhh, she's sooo cute!

Ok, i gotta go, a turtle is rustling around in bed... she'll be calling soon.

The sweat lodge deaths, my Lakota perspective

2009-10-12T14:00:00.014-05:00

I'm very upset over the deaths and injuries in the Sedona, Az situation.

There are so many things wrong in that situation, I don't even know where to begin.

First of all, people were doing something they had no business doing.
The sweat lodge is a sacred ceremony that wasicu's have no right trying to replicate. Oh wait, they have tried, it's called a sauna.

The man, or people, (because I'm sure this Ray guy was not the ONLY one who runs these)who was running this, was collecting money for it. First of all, to replicate something that isn't even YOUR culture, and a SACRED ceremony no less, but then to take an asinine amount of money, is unbelievably wrong, unethical and heinous. Personally, I hope this man is charged with manslaughter. Because if this were a native running things where people had died, you'd better believe they'd be slapped with a law suit so fast, their heads would spin.

Now, also, I'm so sick of people thinking if they get a little "Native spirituality" their lives will be better. Stop guru-ing us. New Ager's piss me off. They are so busy trying on other people's beliefs that if they'd just stop running from themselves, explore their own culture, or belief system; they might find the answers. If you can't fix your own problems and your own lives, don't look to us to do it. We can't wave a magic buffalo horn and say a few special words and make YOUR life better. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness, no matter HOW much money you have, or WHO you pay to play "Indian medicine man."

The bottom line I see is this, a wasicu was playing with things he had NO RIGHT to be playing with, and people (sheep) were more than willing to follow along blindly. And now, bad choices ALL AROUND have cost people a dear price.

Hopefully the sweat lodge at that resort, will be shut down, and people will start thinking twice about blindly following something they don't know the real story behind.

As I write that last line, I realize I better clarify. When i say follow blindly, I mean, thinking you can go to some white "medicine Man" who you think is going to fix your life. No one can fix your life, except you. If you didn't have the tools you need to succeed in life before you went into that sweat lodge, you're not going to suddenly gain them when you walk out. Lakota( Native) spirituality is not something you can dabble in, something you can see, something you can touch. It is something you are born with, or into, it's a way of life. Many people try to "Show" their spirituality, but it's something that must be lived, must come from within. If someone is "wearing" their spirituality on them, (or showing it, in whatever form) that to me, says a lot more about that person than what they believe (or don't) in.

Back

2009-10-08T23:15:00.003-05:00

It's been dormant so long, yearning, longing, scratching at the back of my skull...among the other rubble, waiting, calculating, knowing time was on its side.
I should have known, even though I doubted it at times, really, doubting myself.
But it's all good, it's back, like the scratch, scratch of pen on paper, it is unavoidable.

It's back.
I'm back.

Its good. It's right. I open, take it in and accept it back where it belongs.
It rings the memories of how I got here, who helped me, who believed in me, who pushed me, who gave me "permission". The way I doggedly pursued it,swearing never to leave it. Remembering the way I breathed it everyday,and other days when it "breathed" me, how I obsessed over it, how I carried it with me wherever I went, wearing it like a favorite shirt.

You can never truly leave, or lose, what is a part of you.

It still gives me goosebumps

2009-08-05T14:18:00.002-05:00

Mi Cunksila

2009-03-06T23:13:00.004-06:00

Kici Niye le Wacin ksto.
Wapostan Sapa

Maske ki Heyaka, zintkala, wabluska,
gnaska, zuzecha, cehan, wanbli, sunka oyate ksto.

Tate ankal ha etkiya oyutan
el niye wi slolyaye ksto.
Wicape el nata ni wacin,
maka el si ni, na isto ni apeksto.

Hoksica Lakota niye ksto.
Yati ohinni niye ksto.

The Dark Side of December

2008-12-09T23:07:00.003-06:00

The Dark Side of December
Mary Black Bonnet

A huge chasm flows
for Lakota between Christmas and the New Year.
The date burned into our hearts, our minds, our memories;
even if we weren't there.

December 29, 1890.

When the snow was stained
with the blood of the helpless.

If you're quiet, you can hear the screams of terror,
the terrified cries of innocent babies, the trampling feet.
The horrific deafening Gun shots;
the thud of bodies.
The bitter snow underneath, as souls left bodies;
only to be bound to earth.

If you're not sickend,
you're not paying attention.

Celebrate your holidays,
ring in your new year.
But send a prayer, a song,
a whisper up, for lives lost.
Heinously, wrongly,
and forever.

The Visit

2008-11-26T23:12:00.004-06:00

The Visit
Mary Black Bonnet

Turkey Day plus two,
you walked into my dream.
Apologizing your tardiness,
you were checking on the kids.

We talked, laughed,
I almost forgot you were dead.

We watched someone’s children playing outside,
you told me to be careful, they’d need me.

Your meaning slipped by me at the time,
then the boys came.

My precursor to mother hood.

I remember the day you died…
the deep, gut- level, body wracking sobs
that only come from true sorrow.

The way I hid in my truck,
cried myself into a state of sleep.

Not caring if I ever woke up.

We gathered together again
and found resolve to somehow go on.
Knowing if we gave up,
you’d be pissed.

I left for my own house that night,
completely spent and numb.
I saw you walking down the road..
you smiled and waved.

And I knew you were home.

NEW BOOK

2008-11-18T12:09:00.001-06:00

The new book Birthed From Scorched Hearts is out.

It turned out really well, and as always, there is a fabulous conglomeration of amazing writers!

Update..sort of

2008-09-24T00:12:00.001-05:00

I am back. after some really great visitors, traveling, the conference, and more visitors... i have much to say, but I'm exhusted.. must rest while turtle is alseep.
more later. promise.

Dog Shit Among Roses

2008-09-15T22:37:00.001-05:00

I put turtle to bed, and got up after she fell asleep. I read some blogs that I regularly read, and the posts were heavy. One woman is dealing with the suicide of her 17 year old nephew. She wrote about how she can't even imagine how his mother must feel. My mind went there as well when I read the words. What a horrific devastation. Here, in Indian country, suicides have become the norm.. sadly. My friend just lost her stepson, and her other children are devastated. Her daughter and I are friends, we met when she and I were wacipi royalty. We see each other often on the wacipi trail.
She is so incredibly devestated.. I saw her and had to look twice. It is sad and amazing how loss can change our lives so increbibly. Physically change it. It can age us in a minute. As I was watching my friend and noticing how hard this was on her, how she seemed to exude her immense grief, my mind went to how in one instant and by one choice made by another person, so many lives are changed. It's so incredibly powerful. It also reminds me of how I always say and think: someone somewhere is affected by another's actions. whhh, it's all so heavy and sad.

In another blog I regularly read, a woman is dealing with the heavy news that she will never conceive a child on her own; she wrote about how she can speak cynically of it to people she barley knows and yet she can't speak of it to her friends and family. The heaviness of her burden and fear and yearning wafted through the computer screen. I've been there, I know of the loss and fear and yearning she has. I am so grateful for turtle. I know how hard it is to yearn for something almost obsessively, how you lose sight of everything else and only those who have been there can truly understand. About two years ago, I sat at a table in a coffee shop with a friend and burst into tears when she asked about how our journey was going. This woman and I became friends because I was constantly babbling on to anyone who would listen about my desire to have a child. She spoke very openly to me about her struggles and that helped a lot. To this day, she is one of my dearest friends. To be heard, in anything, is so important. When we had turtle, she was one of the main ones right next to us, rejoicing with us. And don't get me wrong, there were MANY people who rejoiced when turtle was born. She was everyone's baby. And she was and still is SO VERY loved by so many people. My life is beautiful, and I try not to forget it for one second. I"m so very grateful for my situation and have empathy for those who are having a rough time of it right now.
A big sigh, the dichotomies of life. It's like dog shit among roses... something so beautiful mixed in with something rather gross, stinky and undesirable.

Life is hard, and I wish I could envelope both these women into healing hugs. I hope things get better for them and I wish I had a magic wand to make things all better. Sometimes, life can really suck... but when it doesn't, it is truly amazing. We don't know, where any of our journeys will take us, but if we keep going.. it will be worth it. Eventually. I jsut hope these women hold on, and surround themselves with loving, nurturing caring people who will understand, validate and support them. That is what will make this rocky time a bit easier.

HAPPY FIRST BIRTHDAY!!!!

2008-09-09T21:05:00.006-05:00

HAPPY FIRST BIRTHDAY CUNKSI!!!!
Wow, one year ago, you came here to bless our lives, and 365 days later, we are still amazed at you!!

You had a fabulous birthday party with many people in attendance, and you were smashing in your green little romper!! (green so appropriate!)
I will post pics soon.
You are still the love of my life!!!

In honor of your then- soon- to- be- arrival: The poem I wrote for you!!!

Unchi’hi
Mary BlackBonnet

Cunksi he u, nahan iyomakipi.
Heti el mita cante
He miye cante

Daughter is coming
her journey has been long,
I’m honored by her.
Another shaking of me,
an evolution of my self revolution.
My tongue has returned,
my roots replanted.
I flourish.
She is my heart,
balm for a soul wound, recently healed.
My eyes opened to the losses,
understanding the gifts left in their wake.
I want to say,
she will be my eyes, my heart, my tongue.
But I know,
if I didn’t already have these,
she wouldn’t be here.

**********************************************************************

I could write all the amazing things you do... but i would rather crawl back in bed and snuggle up to you.
I will write them here later.
untehilapi lila tonka Cunksi,
Ni Ina na At'e.

What did YOU do today?

2008-09-04T22:58:00.003-05:00

Turtle and I went hiking...
I LOVE where I live!!!!!!

ABLEZA

2008-09-03T00:30:00.000-05:00

THE SHOW IS UP!!!
I hung it at four this p.m. I can't believe it, my first photo show, and my first artist of the month gig. Yey!!!
S.H.P's thank you so much!!!!
I titled it "Ableza" which means to look or see clearly. There will be an article in the paper about it, so when it is out, I'll post it on here.
If you are in "heart city" this month, go by and see it, it's in the library. If you want to see it, but don't know what the real name of my town is, email me and I'll tell you. Ok, one thing crossed of my to do list this month.. now I need to go get that obituary written.

Update...the good and bad of it

2008-08-28T22:41:00.001-05:00

I've been busy.
The good news is, most of the photos are printed for the show... the bad news is, I may yet change my mind and print twenty new ones up...at the last minute.

Turtle and I have been biking everyday this last week, almost all day actually. We only stop to take naps and at the end of the day when it is time to be domestic and do things like make, and eat, dinner. ah yes, you do not know about this new development in our lives. My saving grace. See, mihigna and i found a bike seat that attaches to our bikes on the bar in front of us, from One Step Ahead..(the BEST place for parents!) and we bought it, but it took FOREVER to get here, but it finally did. Then our friend, C.B put it on and away we went! You will have to see it to fully know what i"m talking about, so when I can, I'll have someone take a pic so I can post it. It is absolutly the BEST THING ever! It has a windshield and a guard that goes below to protect her legs, and it has a helmet, because you know, INFANT helmet are HARD to find!
I love having this bike, it has made my life so much better! See, she has grown bored with the stroller, it doesn't go fast enough, so this has been the perfect solution!

One step Ahead is the most awesome place we have found since becoming parents, they sell everything for babies and children. We are buying cunksi her holloween costume there. Any guesses what she will be this year? Leave me your guess in the comments and the winner will receive free products from my peaceful products homemade bath product line.

Today, Cunksi and I rode west on the trail and down to the bridge and looked down at the river, where we watched a momma doe and her baby play down below in the water. It was very cool.

In terrible news, Cunksi has been constipated, and it has been terrible. There is nothing worse than your child being in pain. So, I got out the acidolphilous, another MUST HAVE for parents, and that seemed to help. We looked in one of our books and it listed things NOT to give your child if constipated, and holy shit if I hadn't been giving her three of the four things on the list almost daily. I felt like a shit and a terrible mother, not to mention super guilty. eggghhh!!!! I hate that I added to her, if not caused her discomfort. Blegh, I'm a terrible mom. I hope she is all better tomorrow... I feel so bad.
Anyway, the other good news is, the invitations are out! So be looky looky in your mail boxes.
My turtle is turning one... still hard to believe.
ok, well, I guess that is all I have for now. I am going to go to bed.

Weekend

2008-08-25T20:57:00.002-05:00

So this past weekend was Rosebud Fair, the best fair of the whole year!!
And ten years since I've been HOME.
It was much fun! Mihigna and I, little turtle and our friends all went, it was really really fun. I even got to ride some really great rides. See, R.F has THE BEST RIDES, and my two favorites were there, the orbitor and the hurricane! Oh yah, the ones that make you scream your head off and scare the poop out of you, yep, those are the ones. I LOVED IT!
Turtle got to ride on the carousel, her favorite! But we just know she is going to be the zipper type girl. She can ride it, while her At'e and I watch from below. She has NO fear.
The weekend TOTALLY ROCKED. We didn't dance in grand entry because I didn't get our regalia done in time, but next year, we will be there. Plus, turtle will be dancing in tiny tots! too cute!
All else is good here.

waay too bored

2008-08-09T23:04:00.001-05:00

21 deep, shallow, and random

The Beatles or the Rolling Stones?: Depending on mood..but mostly the stones
Wintertime or summer?: summer if i must choose
Into kids or not?: I LOVE KIDS
Long hair or short hair?: long
Tattoos or not?: NOT
Whiskey or beer?: EWWWW
Religon or spirituality?: the latter
Camping or not?: the former
Legalize it or not?: what?
Paper or plastic?: cloth please
In person or on the phone?: in person
Social or anti-social?: social
Coke or Pepsi?: COKE
Recycle or just throw away?: RECYCLE
Dine in or Drive thur?: at home please
Bar or party?: neither
Rave or festival?: festival
Vintage or new?: Vintage
Car or Truck?: Truck
Mexico or Hawaii?: Neither
Lust or Love?: both, for the right reasons

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fun game/time waster

2008-08-09T22:06:00.001-05:00

An interesting survey

What are you listening to right now?: nature sounds
What time is it?: ten p.m
Do you use Windows Media Player or iTunes?: itunes
Which browser do you have?: IDK
Whats your desktop background?: the most beautiful creature in the world
~MYSPACE SECTION~
Do you have a profile pic?: yah
Whats your profile song?: Not Ready To Make Nice
Where was your profile pic taken?: ?I don't remmeber
Since summer began, how often do you log on?: twice a week at least
How many friends do you have?: many
How do you know the people on your Top Friends?: dear friends
~MOVIES~
How often do you watch movies?: never these days
Whats the last one you watched on TV?: the opening ceremonies
What about in theaters?: HAAAA!!! I gave birth, and gave up my theater going.
How many times have you gone to the movies this summer?: HAAAA!! I'll tell you that when I pick myself up off the floor.
Who’d you go with?: You make me laugh
~MUSIC~
Do you buy CD’s or download songs?: both
How many do you have?: MONDO
Whats the last CD you bought?: Black Lodge Singers: Kids pow wow songs
…The last song/CD you downloaded?: beats the hell outta me..it's a long time ago.
Do you like rap?: not hardly
How about Country?: a select few
What other genres do you like?: classic rock, classical, jazz, native,
~RANDOM~
Do you wear makeup?: NOPE
Do you have a pet?: lots
Is your hair up or down right now?: down
Can you wait to go back to school?: Not applicable
Do you have an account with You Tube?: somewhere
Do you own a stereo?: actually..no.

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Baby Turtle

2008-08-09T21:47:00.003-05:00

OHHHH!!
Here is my baby turtle on her second day of life!!
She was such a joy to be pregnant with and give birth to. She is an equal joy to parent. I'm so blessed.
I love her so! She's an amazing turtle!
I can't believe she is 11 months old today! She is growing up!!!
WAHHHHHHH!!!
And
YEY!!!!

Today, she is trying to walk on her own.

It will be only a matter of days.
I'm happy and sad.
Time goes waaaaay too fast.

Out of the Sandbox, into the grass

2008-08-05T14:55:00.005-05:00

So, it's been a pretty hellish week around here. I spent the last 48 hours trying to discover whether or not my brother was dead.
Yes, I received word on Sunday that he was dead.
But, after much digging and calling and a wonderful friend, who is an ex cop.. i was able to find out that he is fine and alive.
We are still working out the details of the arragements for sister's service... but at least now we don't have to do two.

It's been a long hellish week. two weeks? hell i don't know anything these days.
It will get better, i know it will.
I'm going to be ok... always am.

Besides, I have the most amazing husband in the world who knows, supports and understands me.. for that I am SO SO grateful.
Plus,I've got a precious turtle to take care of....and no matter how shitty life looks...it is never all that bad.. because they are here. Him in his infinite wisdom, warmth and love and she,in all her fabulousness.
So, I'm stepping out of the sorrow sandbox and putting my bare feet in the nice warm grass and walking on.
thank you for your prayers and well wishes... flying tomatoe... i need your number and email.. email them to me please.

And then all hell broke loose

2008-07-29T23:14:00.001-05:00

My sister died.

And if that weren't shitty and fucked up enough, she has a 13 year old daughter

coolness

2008-07-17T23:56:00.002-05:00

As I'm gathering photos for art in the park, I found this one...I love it. Along with among so many others too.

Newness

2008-07-17T23:40:00.001-05:00

So I'm changing things up a bit.

Mihgna EFFING Rocks!!!

2008-07-09T14:14:00.000-05:00

So, I was looking at someone's darkroom the other day, because she was selling it, and I want to buy it. I want it so I can do my b&W photos myself. I like processing myself and not paying moola to have someone do something I know how to and love to do.
Anyway, so cunksi and I came back to the house and just guess what was waiting for me?????
My late birthday-anniversary gift.

A Nikkon D60!!!!

I was effing speechless! Mihigna took care of Cunksi while I opened the box, muchly child-like. I'm so incredibly happy to have that thing... I took pictures in the house, in the dark, after cunksi went to bed. I LOVE IT!!!!!
After Cunksi wakes up from her nap, we are heading out to snap some photos!!!

Mihigna rocks my world... I'm so effing lucky!

And trust me, I don't ever forget it either.

Another Must See

2008-05-22T13:39:00.003-05:00

You must watch the documentary: Born into Brothels: Calcutta's Red Light Kids.
This is a documentary by Zana Briski who put camera's in the hands of the youth in Calcutta and taught a photography class there, and got involved in their lives. It's amazing and heart wrenching and if you think your life is bad, watch this movie. You have nothing to complain about.
You can see clips of it via you tube to the right. And you can get it on netflix.

And a little turtle bite!

2008-05-19T23:00:00.001-05:00

A few days ago, I did a photo shoot with my cousin and her new baby, obviously Cunksi was there, I love my life! She loves babies..... she likes to squeeze their toes, and nibble them.

Here, she's giving her cousin a little turtle bite!!!

HOLY HELL

2008-05-19T22:50:00.001-05:00

I'm writing this as Cunksi sleeps, her wonderous little body deep in dreams after a big day of sun and fun and exploring her world. I love her so much, I barely have words sometimes.
We got new furniture today, what mihigna and I call our "grown up" furniture. A REAL couch and REAL recliner. Cunksi thinks they are pretty cool. I heard Mihigna telling her this evening.."Before you came cunksi, Ina and I lived like bohemians. But now you're here, so we have real furniture."
I laughed, because it's true. I was such a bohemian, waiting anxiously until my next chance to travel or go adventuring. But now, not so much. I"m settled. I can just sit and be. I think Cunksi has everything to do with that. She makes me so happy. I love her so.

Tonight, she was crawling around on my legs and lost her balance, and did a face plant. OMG!!!!!!!
I freaked out...( bad me, I know) but holy crap, the force with which she hit, I couldn't help it. I scopped her up, and held her close, trying to comfort her and yet crying myself. But my saying omg, and scooping her up so fast and then crying... it scared her more. It was horrible, horrible I tell you.... it made me SICK to my stomach. So I had to get it together and stop crying and then she settled down. but holy shit... my stomach hurt so bad for awhile. She is getting mobile, and i know she will have falls but holy hell. I barely made it through my nephews learning to walk, how the hell am i gonna make through my daughters?????
I know I can't scoop in and save her from every fall, but GD! I wish I could!!! I know this is just another reminder that I can't protect her from everything and that it is part of her development and exploring the world... but holy hell.... how do any of us parents make it through this. She was fine, not hurt, just scared. It was worse on me, hello, welcome to parenthood. ...........

Holy, Holy, hell. That is all I can say.

The furniture rocks though!!

Older Than America

2008-05-14T08:26:00.002-05:00

!!!!!!!!! You have to see Older Than America, by director Georgina Lightening.

And right now, you can watch the trailer and an interview with Tantoo Cardinal on the sidebar via You Tube.
Watch her interview, she really says some important things.
So, go watch it. Then come back here and tell me what you think.

OH MY GOD

2008-05-14T00:15:00.001-05:00

My baby is the bomb!!!!!

I think I'm gonna like it here

2008-04-22T23:09:00.002-05:00

we are moved!
Day two went by beautifully, and the weather was gorgeous!
we walked down to the market with baby girl in the stroller,she was thrilled, loved being outside. we took a stroll down the main walking path that runs through town.. it was an awesome day.

Baby girl is loving it here, so are we.

Bittersweetness

2008-04-18T00:36:00.000-05:00

We went to the going away party, it was really fun and bittersweet. I've had my mind on packing so much that it's really starting to hit me, the people I will miss after we move.

And my dear friends here, (in town) how I will miss them. I've been trying to see everyone, and I'll see a couple of my friends over these next two days, it will be hard. It was hard tonight...such a bittersweet time. I said good bye to one of my close friends last weekend, but it was still far enough away that it hadn't really sunk in yet... now it is. I feel weepy.

So much to look forward to, and yet, a bit to be sad to leave behind.

Cunksi and her Ate are fast asleep. I can't get my mind to quit, so i'm awake. Lots to do tomorrow. Then we'll load the truck. Sniff......

i should go try to sleep.

Attachment parenting.. and other stuff

2008-04-18T00:32:00.000-05:00

I'm nearing the end of my rope.
I'm tired, and sick of all this moving business.
cunksi is sick of it too. She is going through separation anxiety.....from me..... and teething.
Spending time with her Ate, simply WILL NOT do. It's INA and ONLY INA. All others will get a screaming, crying reaction.
Meanwhile, we have to pack up the rest of the stuff and clean the house. So, I have put her in the sling... THANK GOD FOR THAT THING...(did I mention ho I couldn't live without that?) and have gone about my business, fairly easily. I read someone's post about how she was sick and her son wanted her, she said.."the thing about attachment parenting is (his name) is always up my ass."
That is soo true.
But it is so worthwhile.
I know she needs me to be with her right now.. things are all out of whack with our usual schedule, and she knows something big is going on, and in addition.. her teeth hurt.
It's ok. It's going to be OK.
I'm a mom, this is what I was put here to do.

Tonight, we will be going to Mihigna's going away party, his coworkers are throwing for him. Sweet.
Bad timing, but sweet. It will be nice to see everyone and say our goodbyes, they are all very nice, very kind, very sweet people.
they will be missed.
For now, I'm off to see if I can do some more packing.. which is more resemblant at this point to.. find a box and start throwing shit into it, we'll figure it out when we get there.

I look over at cunksi and get caught, she is so amazing, does such amazing things... i would rather sit here and watch her all day.

Leave?

2008-04-14T13:59:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure if I will be maintaining this page, i post at two other pages. i'll see, maybe ill keep it around...if i can figure out how to use it better, posting pics and such.

stupid jacked up world

2008-04-10T12:05:00.001-05:00

It's raining and gray, and we're supposed to get snow.
That depresses me. I want spring, and green and warm breezes.

I am really depressed by the fact that in this day and age, parents can treat their children horrifically and not have ANY consequences. Short of setting them on fire, the "powers that be" will still return them to their unstable, psychotic parents, and let them continue to live in violent situations.

It all makes me want to cry. It's all so unfair. and WRONG. and such BULLSHIT.

My plans

2008-04-09T18:51:00.000-05:00

I think I am going to go to medical school, or get a PHD in clinical Psych.

My friend and I were sitting around talking and she has informed me that these are good choices.

How ironic, I'd never seriously considered either one before, and now it is like, why not.

So, here I go.

Here comes the rain again....

2008-04-05T23:55:00.000-05:00

they say we will have a thunderstorm tonight... our first of the season. How very exciting! Mihigna and I love thunderstorms... well, he more than I, the boominess and sudden crashes frighten me a bit... I'm afeared of getting struck by lightening. But it makes snuggling up to him all the nicer. I like them during the day.

The first t-storm means that spring is really here. The return of the thunder beings... in Lakota culture, we have a celebration for it and everything.

I'm excited. Changing seasons always excite me. Spring is wonderful, rebirth, renewal, clearing and cleansing. Spring means time to shake off the dust of winter and get realigned.

And now, mihigna and I have all these new things happening. Soon we will have a new home, new adventures, new surroundings... all sorts of newness, coming up like daffodils. And this year, we have a wee one to share it all with. (Did I mention I LOVE being an Ina?)

Part of the newness is that I'm going to make it ...try to make it, more regular that I'm posting, and not be quite so absent for so long.
But for now, kiohphya.
Miye

winds of change

2008-03-18T20:33:00.001-05:00

Fun things have happened around the artichoke patch lately. Big things as well.
Mihigna bought me a new van, a very smart, very stylish, 2007 Grand Caravan.
I LOVE IT!!! (Who knew I'd ever say that?)
That thing IS smart, it practically thinks for itself. It lowers the brights if someone is coming, and you forget to do it yourself... I'm SO guilty of that.
It knows when someone is not buckled up or has unbuckled their belt and sets off this annoying, LOUD, dinging until said offender has made things right. This will come in handy when cunksi starts to go through her, unbuckling of the seatbelt phase. It is truly a fab van, I'm in love.

Wacipi season is just around the corner!!!! whoo hooo!!!! Cunksi will make her debut at the USD wacipi in her adorable regalia, sooooo cute!!!! I will be dancing as well, after a long three year hiatus. Wow, LONG time gone. Much too long.
There is other news, but I'm not ready to share. Must go now, Cunksi needs abu.
MBB

New baby

2008-02-20T17:27:00.001-06:00

My friend had her baby!! He is soooooo cute!! I went to see them last night... oh my gosh, I can't believe cunksi was that small once... even smaller, since her baby was 7# 11oz. So tiny!!!!
It has gone by so fast, these last five months.. I can't believe it. My friend had a hellish tiime with her delivery, poor thing... I'm glad she and the baby are ok.

I gotta go... cunksi is trying to stand on her head.....

I rarely have time to....

2008-02-07T09:50:00.000-06:00

I rarely have time to post these days... so much of my time is wrapped up in a smallish sweet smelling, cuddly turtle. Then when I do get on here, all I seem to do is talk about her, and I'm sure some of my readers are BORED by that.
Tough.
J.K. (only slightly)
I'm trying to find the balance of where she ends and I start again. People keep asking if I'm writing or painting, or sculpting. The only writing I have done is the logs in her baby book. I have been painting... I have finished a series of paintings for nurseries that are for sale. Yey. But no real words on paper, of the literary type.
I'm just absolutely engulfed by her. I think I will get up in the middle of the night, while she is asleep and write, but I can't tear myself away from the precious creature that lays beside me, I still wake up at night and stare at her, in wonderment, amazement and joy. She nuzzles into me and she fits as perfectly outside me as she did when she was inside.
i have two dear friends who are expecting soon. One is due this month and the other, next. It will be exciting to see it all from the other side. We've been all a chatter about the journey. It's been fun to watch others go through such an amazing wonderful time.
I must go now.

Maybe next time it will be about something not relating to my offspring.

More Perfect

2008-01-29T09:07:00.000-06:00

Cunksi had her four month check up.

There were shots.
There were tears.

From both her and her Ate, which nearly made me cry, seeing him cry.(Nothing makes me cry faster than seeing my hubs cry.) See, this was the first "shot" visit he attended with us, it was muchly hard on him. They are hard on me too, but I can't cry, I'm the Ina. So I grit my teeth and bare it while I comfort her. Then there was boob, making all things better.

But before all that, the doctor checked her over and said to us: "She is beautiful. She is perfect."

(I knew I picked him for a reason.)

What else could parents ask for?

Perfect

2007-12-22T17:02:00.000-06:00

It's almost christmas.

I'm home, hubby is home.

Cunksi is here this year.

Life is perfect.

At this time last year, I was horrifically ill and bed bound with pneumonia.

I was also pregnant, and didn't know it yet.

I was sick because I was coming off the last two hellish years I'd had since I could remember.

But even as I coughed and hacked my lungs out, cikala cunksi was growing and soon i would discover her presence.

Life would never be the same.

I'm glad.

She has made my life perfect. I love her, she is perfect, and I'm so honored to be her mother.

As I write this, she is in the other room with her Ate, they are dancing together, she has a huge smile across her face.

Next to her Ina, her Ate is her favorite person.

She is a mini me. it is wierd to look in someone's tiny face and see your features staring back at you.

Or see traits in someone else that you realize are your own.

Traits that are cute in a three month old.... tho I do have more pity for my husband now ... such a saint to live with me.

Two people created this beautiful, amazing, perfect creature; who already at three months knows she rules the roost and is the tiniest diva.

It's great.

I've said it before and I'll say it again.

I was put on this earth to do a lot of things... but the most important thing I was brought here to do was be cunksi's Ina.

The honor is mine.

If it is awile before I check back in, merry christmas everyone. Happy holidays, enjoy them, may you get what you need in the new year. and what you want.

I'm back

2007-10-31T16:23:00.000-05:00

Hard to belive baby girl is going to be two months old. ( In ten days.) Life continues to be amazing as I spend time with this beautiful being.
There are some fabulous things around the bend for hubby and I, nothing concrete right now, but by the third week of nov, things will be more set. New adventures to be had, and I'm really excited.
The new book is out! I can't believe it, (it has only been 4 or 5 years in the making, due to publishing glitches, funding and editors getting sick.) It's really amazing.. they sent us the gally, and it was really powerful just like that. But to see it in print now, is mind blowing. I'm in the company of some amazing writers! I'm honored to be too! It has been a long time coming, but it is going to make a difference in a lot of people's lives. Which is what I think writing is supposed to do.
Baby girl is alseep right now, and I should be working.... but I'm not. I need to eat something... I've dropped so much weight from breastfeeding, I'm looking gaunt and emaciated. I had no clue how much breastfeeding would take out of me. Then many days I don't really get to eat until hubby gets home... I'm so busy taking care of Cunksi. It's funny because someone said to me: baby's gaining weight and getting bigger, but you are getting smaller. I am just glad she is growing so well. That is all that matters ultimately. And it's nice to see that what I am doing for her is making a difference. Good food and lots of love, that is what makes babies grow!
OH!
Happy Holloween! If you come to my house to trick or treat.. you will see baby girl in her cute little costume. I was going to go out trk or trting wiht my sis and her kids... our annual thing.. but it's too cold for a baby girl! So, we'll stay home and give out the yummies!
Have fun and get lots of treats!!!!

OY

2007-10-23T22:10:00.001-05:00

well. what a time it has been.
First and foremost, the reason I am writing this is because we are introducing the bottle. OOOOOOO.
Very very hard times. I'm not putting her on the bottle, but we need to have her be able to take it for times when I am not able to feed her. Such as when I have to go to the dentist and get my teeth fixed, as well as when i have to go give readings... which is coming up soon. Her father will be with her, but even so, he still has to be able to feed her while I'm giving my reading, visiting classes, or being on a panel.
It's still hard though. Neccesary, but hard. I left the house to make the transition easier on all involved, but it felt like I was leaving a vital part of me behind. Thoughts of my baby thinking I abandoned her went through my head. So, I had to take a deep breath, tell myself it would be fine, and if I relaxed, she would too.
It worked, it was still hard, but it worked. She took the bottle, and for now, all seems well. (thank god for cell phones.)
She seems so young to be doing this, but we have to in order to have her feeding from the bottle by the time my reading in colorado comes.
In other baby news, she is doing well. Growing amazingly, she was 9# 5 oz. two weeks ago. She has outgrown all her 0-3 month clothes. Amazing! I'm so proud of her! Her legs are getting so long! And she is sleeping well, though her sleeping has never been an issue. She is starting to stretch her feedings out to four hours through the night.
OK, that is all i have for now... more later.

Slip Sliding away

2007-10-16T13:23:00.000-05:00

such does the time.
I have not posted, I know... but I have this gorgeous creature to care for. She has no time for anyone else, and simply wants to be in my arms, pressed against my chest, where our heart beats match and our breathing synchronizes.
Fine with me.
She is so beautiful.
She has been having tummy troubles, still. Our pediatrician and other medical people and non medical people keep saying..."she'll grow out of it, soon." But they don't sit with us when our darling daughter screams in pain and cries and looks at me/us like, "why can't you make it better mommy?"
Gut wrenching.
When you become a mother, you leap headfirst into all kinds of lessons. I think this is one of mine.
I've always wanted to keep my precious daughter from any pain, unhappiness or uncomfortablity. I've prided myself in the fact that I kept her safe, healthy and happy for nine months. I birthed her safely, and she was happy and ready to greet the world when she appeared.
I can't keep her from feeling this pain. I know it's a "random baby stage", but any parent who can stand by nonchalant while thier offspring is in pain....must have something wrong with their head.
So, I know that my lesson in all of this is, I have to acknowlege that I can't take this pain from her, I can't shield her from this, or make it stop. All I can do is what I will be doing her whole life. Holding her, telling her I love her, being with her. I can't take the pain for her, but I can be with her while she goes through it, so she doesn't have to do it alone.
And I can take comfort in the fact that she is doing fabulously, growing so fast, developing so well, (ahead of her age bracket actually) and when she isn't having belly pain.... she is a happy well adjusted little bebe, who is well aware of how much she is loved, not only by her parents but by so many other people.

oops- gotta go- cunksi is awake.... more later

baby girls b-day

2007-09-30T16:52:00.000-05:00

Baby girl turned three weeks old today.
she is growing so fast! Everyday she changes. the nurse came by to see her on friday.... she is 8 and 1/2 pounds!!!! I'm so proud of her!!!!!
And she is getting so long!!! I can't believe she has only been on this earth for three short weeks.
I still want to stare at her all the time... but I've gotten better about getting down to the business of sleeping when she does. Those first VERY sleep deprived days really taught me a lesson.
I'm so overwhelmed by the awesomeness, beauty and power of her.
Life is perfect.
I blew off my deadline. (Shame on me) I didn't send anything to the publisher. There were just too many other things to do. well, not things... taking care of my daughter. That is what I've done, in lieu of writing my essay. There are tons of things I need/want to work on, manuscipts and such..... but it all seems so UNIMPORTANT right now.... in the shadow of my daughter. I will get back to writing... someday. I'm not going to rush it. Right now, this girl is little once...and I don't want to miss anything.
Her arrival was long coming. I am going to savor every minute of it.

Whirlwind

2007-09-26T21:09:00.001-05:00

Wow, I've been swept away by motherhood.
It's wonderful.
And trying.
And tiring.
But so worth it.
Baby girl has grown and continues to grow so well. She is already a pound heavier than she was at birth, and an inch longer. And she is only two and half weeks old!! The power of breast milk!!!!
I'm so proud of her!!!!
Our pediatrician is really happy with her progress and loves her to death.. which is so fab. I really like him. He is personable and great with her and understanding of how nervous and freaked out new parents can be. He is kind hearted and appreciates our daughter like we do. I wanted my pediatrician to be similiar or have much of the same values and views as T. Berry Brazelton....(my hero) and he does. woo hoo!!!
There is so much to say, about the whole birth exprience.. and what has happened since then.
Ate' went back to work this past monday... he was a bit glad to get back. Nights were pretty long around here for those two weeks.
She is such a fabulous being.. so well tempered. She's not a constant screamer... despite the fact that she has had tummy troubles.. she will scream sometimes, but not continuously. She calms herself fairly well and is such a happy baby. her little face changes everyday... she is growing so fast. I have to take pics every day.. she changes overnight.
I am sleeping more and sleeping when she sleeps... which is all the time. But, most days it is really hard because when i have gotten done nursing her, and I lay her down next to me.... all I want to do is stare at that beautiful face... that little face that we created... the perfect little being. She is just so perfect. I can't get over it. She's a snuggler, which is nice. Not suprising, but nice.
I do nothing but nurse her and carry her around all day. Which isn't conducive to getting anything else done. She's a momma's girl, which is nice.. and normal.. and not something I will complain about. i will learn to get over the urge to clean my increasingly messy house and just let things be as they are. The time I have with her now... will never happen again.. she will only be at these stages once. And she is changing so fast. I dont' want to miss anything.
I am able to write this now because Ate' is watching little miss and I have some alone time... time I should be using to get an essay done that is due at the publishers in two days.
But I have baby brain and it is too soft to form much coherent thoughts.
I had to send pics to the relatives and such other important people in her life.. so that took up some time.
Now Im ready to go hold my daughter again...
well, maybe I'll take a shower first.
Ok, I will post more later. Promise. It may be a few days... but I will get it done.
be well, MBB

The Most Beautiful Girl in the World

2007-09-26T20:49:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the absence... but I became a mother.

On Sept 9, 2007, at 2:26 p.m, Rich and I welcomed little Miss Artichoker who was 6# 9 oz and was 19 and 3/4 inches long. (her name is purposly withheld)
She is the most gorgeous thing I have ever laid eyes on.
My labor lasted 5 1/2 hours,was drug-free and easy. I pushed her out in 20 minutes.
more details to follow.....when i have time.
Right now all I want to do is hold her and stare at her.

My life is complete. I never need anything else for myself again.

and the verdict is........

2007-09-06T17:17:00.000-05:00

No baby today.

Funnies and other stuff

2007-09-05T16:57:00.000-05:00

No, no baby yet people.
She isn't "technically" due until tomorrow... so if you are waiting.. (so sweet of you) check back tomorrow.

In other news... today was a fab day. after a week of hell. In a matter of days I succumbed to a broken tooth, an infected tooth, much pain and agony, a smashed foot which ended in a broken toe, and just in general, much misery at being nine months pregnant which was worsened by my (and hubby) coming down with colds.

Oh the misery. It truly was not pretty around here... I swear I could not go out in public without bursting into tears. Why in public? I guess because leaving the house meant I actually had to walk about, which put me in much pain.. exacerbated my false- but- still- painful, contractions, and where I would inevitably hit my broken toe, or step on it wrong.. and life was simply too much to deal with. I actually was standing in Hyvee crying, as people were walking around me looking at me as if I were from mars and had two heads. Normally, had I not been having a rainstorm of hormones, it would be funny and I would expect them to stare at me, I'd probably even laugh with them, but not this time. I just got mad. This only further frustrated me and I retorted to them: "What people, have you never seen a preganant crying woman before?! Stop staring!" To which they really thought then that I WAS mental. My husband just stood there, holding me, letting me wail like a very pregnant woman. He's soo good.
But today.. was a good day. I got enough sleep, I was not in pain, it was not too hot, and I took my dog to the river. If you have my other blog address, you can see the pics.

So, all this craziness, i hope means that baby is on the way.
More tomorrow. promise. go look at the pics. if you don't have the addy, email me and I will give it to you.
be well, MBB

A low hum

2007-08-22T22:00:00.001-05:00

There is a low hum that has been running through me the last two days. It almost feels like a low grade fever, or like you feel right before you come down with a cold... it's this hum of energy that flows through you. You can feel it, but you can't see it yet. It's a bit like anxiety...but not of the nervous, freakish kind. Like the waiting for something to happen kind. I suspect it's the baby... but then nothing happens and I'm left all restless like. I can't eat or sleep much... I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. I should sit down and write... but then I grow uncomfortable, and I have to get up and move around.
In other news... I will probably take a teaching postion on the spring at a Tribal college. (Location purposely withheld.) I have a friend who is an instructor there as well and they have been trying to get me to come teach for some time... but the details were never right. But now they are bringing me in as a visiting writer and then I'll teach a couple of classes for them. I'm also going to do a workshop there, which makes me really happy. So, that is exciting.
Our air conditioner in the bedroom is broken.... which makes sleeping not fun. I sleep for about two hours a night... and two hours a day. My belly is too big to get comfortable very long. I have slept my two hours...so now I'm up for the night.
Anxious.
Waiting.
Trying to live life normally.
But that hum is there.
Just below the surface.
Like a gnat flying by your ear. Too small to see, but you're highly aware of it's presence.
I have a dr's appt tomorrow.
I'm fairly sure, nothing will happen between now and then and tomorrow night.
But I could be wrong.

I'll just go ahead and say it

2007-08-21T19:04:00.000-05:00

I'm ready to go into labor.
Any day now.
Really.

Cunksi... just thougt I'd let you know.
You're welcome to come... any day, any minute. I'm up for the adventure.
We're ready.
Even your butt covers are here.

It's sort of become like everyone lined up and hiding at a suprise party....waiting for the guest of honor to appear.

Just thought I'd vocalize it.

Yesterday and Today

2007-08-21T19:03:00.000-05:00

I went to my sisters house last night and hung out with her... and we ended up staying up till 1:30 a.m.. which is no big deal for me cuz i've got insomnia anyway... but it was a bit much for her. But we were rolling on the floor laughing because i was regaling her with my hospital/IHS mishap stories. She found them highly amusing.. which they are, they are tragic... but SO funny! Tragic humor. Seems to be my life story. LOL. It was great... and the stories ARE funny.... I'm just glad I'm still around to tell them... as they could have all turned out badly. I htink her favorite one was the one where I broke my arm, and becuase of where i was living at the time, it took two days to get to the hospital and when I finally got there.... i couldn't get any help because the hospital was being evacuated. Damn prairie fires anyway. Anyway.... it was fun.
Today, we spent a good majority of the day at riverboat days... my sis and I, cuz we wanted to see Brule play. While I was there, i saw a few very cool vermillionites... and two other good friends from yankton.. so that was nice. Hubbs had to go in to do some work at the office, then he joined us... we all had (a very expensive) lunch and looked a bit at some of the art booths. But it wasn't long before I was too wore out to go on... so we headed home.
I took a nap for about an hour and then we went to my sisters house where she and i hung out and hubbs and cephansi went for a 10 mi bike ride. Then it was dinner time. And hanging out time... my dad called while i was there.. so he got to talk to me, sis and hubby. He's going through some stuff right now, cuz he is retiring and trying to move from his old house to his new... and all the insanity that ensues there. He owned his own business and all kinds of other things that make it harder for him to "just retire". Lots of loose ends to tie up. I told him to tie them all up and THEN come out and see us and the baby.... I want to spend time with him. So he was glad to hear that.... he has that grandpa thing going on where he thought he had to BE here as soon as the baby was born... but I said no. I would rather have him here later and spend time with him then have him rush here nad then turn around and have to leave. Besides... between all the vermillionites... she will have so many visitors as it is already. She's a very lucky and loved baby.
which reminds me.. baby update... went to the dr on thurs.... she has moved down into the pelivs and is in postion to be born... so now the countdown really begins. AND!!!! her diapers are finally here!! woot woot!!! the people at the store were like.. "what kind of diapers are those?"
So i was explaining that they are basically the 07' version of the cloth diaper... like a cloth diaper... but not. The clerk girl was really impressed and wanted to know why i wasn't using disposables.... and so i told her. She was all happy about it. She had a little tag next to her name tag that said: "I buy organic" So, i'm sure she got it. She said she was really happy i wasn't using disposables... which is what a lot of people say to me when i tell them. They are not as nearly happy as I am to be not using them. Even the hospital was impressed.... i had to talk to them and let them know we'd be bringing our own diapers. It is just such a relief to know that I won't be leaving a footprint in the landfill/earth in that sense, that will hang around for 500-800 years. The number still turns my stomach.
Ok, well I'm muchly ready for ohe.... for now, Mbb

Yes I'm Going to Wet the Bed

2007-08-17T14:23:00.002-05:00

LOL, caught your attention didn't I?
I want it to actually cool down so I can have a fire, and have my friends over to enjoy it.... see if you haven't noticed, I love fire. Fire is fun, not in an arson kind of way... but a sit around and poke at logs kind of way. I have always loved fire, it was one of the actual GOOD skills I acquired from being a mormon and having to go to girls camp every summer. I learned how to make a mean fire, and made one every chance I got. (And get) Hubbs always say "You're going to wet the bed if you keep playing with fire." Which is funny, because I had never heard that wive's tale.
But anyway.. so the fireworks pictures are up and the belly pics will be up soon, maybe tomorrow, maybe the day after, then following those, or with them, will be the fair pics... of all the cute animals... and of course, the ones with the grown men on tractors... sorry, I don't think i have any good ones where their butts are hanging off the seats or their tractors are trying to buck them off.
I spent the day with my sister, which was fab, we talked alllllll day, which is always fun. It is so funny how we are totally sisters...She can drive me freakin' crrrraaaazzzzzzyyyy, but I love her as the day is long. I guess that is what sisterhood is about huh? We are both sort of counting down the days to the start of school, cuz then we have our girl time... and with her baby girl in tow, we all just hang out and be girls. Not in the sit around and put on makeup kind of girly girl way... in the old indian women kind of way. Where wesit-around-drink-coffee,laugh and talk like a bunch of old bitties sort of way. It is always about our family and husbands and such. We are as different as night and day, and yet, as I get older, I see this as a strength. It used to drive me nuts.. but now, it's helpful, because when I'm going WAY to fast, she can sort of pull me back, slow me down... and remind me to have patience, and I can be her kick in the pants when she is being too passive. And those sayings about sisters are so true.. I used to snort at them because I thought they were just cheesy fluff, but I see how true they really are. You know, the ones about how you will never have a relationship with anyone the way you have one with your sister. I get it now, and now I'm old enough to appreciate it. LOL. Evolution everywhere! :) Too cool!
And "My boys" (my nephews) are growing up!!!! Yey and Boo hoo! I have been with them since they all entered this world... and now the two oldest are well into teenhood and getting first loves.. ohhhh, it's soo...... I don't even know what the word would be. They both have had a rough road growing up... but they are doing well so far. I can't believe one is entering HS and one is in Jr High. It's wierd to see them going through some of the same things I and my sister went through when we were at that point in our lives.
I never really thought about what I was going through at the time... just lived it and got through it... but seeing it from an adult perspective now, it's amazing. To me, it was 'boring" everyday stuff, first time as a high school freshman, trying to find where you fit in, who you want to hang out with, first loves, first dances. It was all so blase to me... I hung out with who I wanted to, and didn't care about what other people thought... (no, I was never one for cliques or worrying over what other people thought of me. I just sort of charged through life and those around me could take it or leave it. I had no patience for any of the drama and angsty crap that most people ate up. I'm still the same way today. Since the small town drama irks the hell out of me) So seeing that boys also worry about having the "right friends" is so wierd. I never knew boys thought about that stuff. I see the oldest one trying to figure out who he is in the greater world and where he fits in... all normal stuff that I sort of just did. I realized early that I had been dealt a certain hand of cards that was what I had to work with, so I just concentrated on gettting out of high school as fast and as painless as possible. Thankfully, I did it (fairly) unscathed... but I see the things my oldest nephew worries about... and I want to do two things. A) Protect him. and B) Arm him with the knowledge that you can't please everyone, so just be yourself and be friends with whoever you want and how ever many people you want... and those who can deal with it will and those who can't, have issues bigger than you can solve. ( This is a lesson some of the adults I know need to learn.) When I was in school, I was a rotator.. (and to this day, I still am, sort of.) I hung out with all kinds of different groups... so I was never exclusive with just ONE clique. I liked a lot of different people for a lot of different reasons... and even though they didn't really like each other or would ever hang out together, they all knew that I hung out with both and they couldn't talk trash about each other.
I think it is a different world my boys are in today... not as simple,clean cut and "safe". Oldest nephew said he had to choose between two certain groups... and that bothered me. WHY? WHY do you have to choose? WHY? Why not be friends with both and give THEM the opportunity to step up and become better people?
And now I've blah, blah, blahed on and on. LOL. My main point is that they are both growing up and It provides me with a whole new look into the life of a teen ager.... so much different than mine was. More innocent in some ways.. but so much more violatile in others. I'm grateful that they are here in Vermtown where while it isn't perfect.. it is smaller and we have a bit more of a family feel here. Which is why my hs exp was not as tragic as it could have been.
Ok, shutting up now... for real. MBB

Fireworks

2007-08-17T14:23:00.001-05:00

this even, hubbs, cahansi and I all went out for ice cream and pie... then we saw some fireworks on the way home... so we went to investigate... and saw a really great show. Will post pics tomorrow. be well, MBB

Mellowness

2007-08-17T14:21:00.000-05:00

I'm in a mellow place. I'm very tired these days and doing a lot of sleeping, gearing up for little miss I suppose.
I dreamt the other night I was surrounded by women elders, we were all talking and just being, I felt loved and supported, and heard. I think it was because as I was falling asleep, I was thinking of my dear friends; many of whom are somewhat older than me, at least in the evolution sense... all wise and mothering and dear to my heart. It has been a wonderful realization for me to know that, even though I have lost important women, who were very dear to my heart, new ones have come to fill the void. Six years ago, I'd mourned the fact that my mother (birth) would not be here to see the birth of her Takoja,(grandchild) or two years ago, I was mourning the fact that dearest Tuwin (aunt) would not be here to play with and instill her wisdom in my daughter. But now I know, they, as well as all my other relatives, already know her, are taking care of her right now, are teaching her. And in the physical sense, other amazing women have come into my life to continue the lessons, gifts and joy my mother and aunt gave me... in different ways, but still. I'm glad I have evolved enough to know, and recognize this. It makes me all the more grateful for my dear friends.
My belly is getting bigger as the days go by and I'm feeling muchly pregnant. I'm not used to not being able to move about easily. I'm glad my belly is growing, that means baby is growing. She is still very active, and makes me laugh as she scampers about my belly, seemingly unaware that she is due to be born any day now. We have changed her name a bit... to be more suitable to her.
The countdown has officially begun, I know she will get here when she is ready... and I'm ok with that. I'm not going to rush her, or wish for her to be born any other time than when she is ready and when the relatives are ready for her to come. She is in good hands up there.
Nesting continues, which has been helped by hubby being off work the last few days. I love having him around, it is always nicer to be together than apart. I see him getting a bit nervous.. if there is a loud crash that he thinks may have been me, he rushes to make sure it wasn't, and he constantly checks in to make sure all body parts and systems are in proper working order. Such a sweetheart. There are quite a few crashes around here these days, as I am constantly dropping things and then must wait for someone to come pick them up for me. Though, when I am alone, I must do it myself.. needless to say I have gotten very adept at using my feet and my toes. If I can't get it with those.. it just stays on the floor until hubbs gets home.
In my dreams, baby is here, in all her small cuteness and adorability.
On one hand it is hard to believe that soon, two will be three and yet, it also seems so "natural". We installed the baby car seat in the car today... wow, it seems so wierd to have that in there. It is soo tiny... and so surreal that we are now a car seat couple. And that this year, when we take our christmas card pics, there will be a wee one with us. I'm so honored to be her mother... I can hardly wait to kiss her!!!!

Baby news, animals and carn-.. well almost carnage

2007-08-11T08:59:00.000-05:00

So, went to the dr today... and after some torture... (another thing NOONE who has had children before warns you of) found out that baby is doing well and though she is still dancing about.. things are "progressing" and she could get here anytime. wow. hard to believe. I asked my dr if i should be concerned that she hasn't settled into the pelvis and she told me no, sometimes babies wait till the very last minute. hmm, what did i say the other day about procrastination? LOL!!!
After the torment was over, I went and picked up the swing for baby that I have been wanting. I waited until after the shower, just to be sure. So, I was very happy to have that for her and, short of her diapers...(the ones I want) she will have everything she needs.... or at least I think she needs. :)
Ohhh...it's all so exciting! Buying that swing made it a bit more real.. that in less than three weeks, a wee one will be here with us, for kissing and hugging and holding and loving!!!
Tonight.. hubs and I went to the clay co. fair. quite the spectacle for me. See, where I grew up, county fairs were on the scale of the sioux falls fair. So, seeing this clay county fair (for the first time might I add) was a bit funny (funny ha haa) to me. It's so small... and so short... three days??? what's up with that?
And no horses? Or horse shows or rodeos? Wierd. See, I was a 4-H girl... I prepared all winter and spring for the fair, I got my horse ready and did all my training. Then fair week came and I showed my horses, and camped out at the fairgrounds and did all the fun fair stuff, hung out with my fair friends, ate all the yummy carnival food i could only eat during fair week, rode all the midway rides, went to the dance at night...... looked forward to all of it. So, forgive me fo the laughter, but for me, this clay county fair is small potatoes.
BUT, one thing I have NEVER seen... was the tractor races. So, hubby and I went to watch. I couldn't stop laughing! And I couldn't believe this was real! I kept thinking it was some sort of joke, a huge joke for masses of people, like a comedy show. But, as I soon learned, it was very real, and these people (in the stands) take it very seriously. How dare I laugh my head off at a bunch of men driving around on little tractors, thier butts half way off the seat trying to out race each other. What was I thinking? And how dare I hope for some carnage... someone to be tossed on their kiester, or tip over, or something funny!!! I mean.. come on! Big men on what looked to me like children's tractors. .... How could you NOT laugh????? and hope for a tip over or two? Hubby said I was mean to wish carnage on them.. i didn't want anyone to get hurt...(after all, how hurt could you get when you are two feet from the ground on a child's toy?) Shit, I'm laughing about it right now....
So, needless to say, when there were wrecks, people running into each other, men (repeatedly) running into the berm, one or more going around a corner too fast and their tractors start to buck like horses, or tip up on two weels, I laughed Forgive me if this makes me seem cruel and heartless... I mean/meant no harm to anyone... but I did laugh... hysterically... and had to restrain myself from pointing. Besides...they were wearing helmets.
And also... the funniest part.... they have pace driver... who took his job VERY seriously as well.. he probably lives for this every year.. looks forward to it. Dreams about the day when he gets to ride his little tractor out there in his purdy yellow shirt... with his blinking little light on the back and his purdy flag flowing behind it.
Forgive me if any of you are die hard tractor race fans... i mean no disrspect... I've just never seen it before.
We did get to go see all the animals..so cute.. I wanted to hug and kiss them all.. but many of them looked at me as if i were nuts... but those lambs are just soooo cute!!!! and the cows.. with their babies.. awww... perfect for kisses! But, they'd have none of it. So, I took lots of pics instead.. which i will post later... tomorrow probably.
So, that was my day... baby went to her first fair... I was a bit tortured... and I got a good laff at grown men being dorky on children's toys.
I can hardly wait to see what will happpen over there next. I hear they do something with mud and buggies or something....that will i have to see.

Wed Eve

2007-08-11T08:58:00.000-05:00

Well baby is busy growing.... and kicking.... and having a grand time. I am getting to the point though, where I wish she'd start thinking about putting that pelvic hat on, and preparing herself for birth. I am hoping she will, the closer things get.... though I'm not sure how close she'd like to cut it, as we are less than three weeks away from her "due date". Perhaps she has inhertied her Ate' and my sense of procrastination.
she is so very active, which of course, makes me happy. Kicking up a storm. Flipping around and pushing my ribs out to thier maxium length, that hurts. My ribs have become flared in the last few weeks and now my sternum is starting to seperate, that is a bit painful... about as painful as when my hips started to seperate. But, I'm not complaining... just perhaps whimpering a bit. LOL. It's hard to believe that about two weeks ago, i was all, "oh, i could stay pregnant forever..." and now reality and full on pregnancy has set in, and I am anxious for her to get here, as my body is feeling pregnant. I'm sure bodies have to do this, or women could be pregnant forever. All intellegent things, our bodies are such amazing pieces of work.
I have done a lot of sleeping and general resting this week. It hit me hard, and I'm having to rest much more now than I have throughout my whole pregnancy. I don't mind... I'm ready for it. LOL! I am not going through life at ninety miles an hour any more... more like a slowish turtle. Again.. gotta be a turtle to have a turtle!!! :)
For those of you who attended the shower.. your thank you's are in the mail.. so you should be recieving them within a day or two. I thank you for coming.. it was a pleasant wonderful evening.
Today I worked on getting more of baby's clothes organized and more of my hospital bag packed.... a bit here, a bit there. LOL. I'm really just finding things to do until she comes. It keeps me busy and the excitement in check.
My friend who was visiting me from back home left today, it was great having her here... and I'm finding my solitary groove again. I've had lots of vistors lately... both people from around town as well as ones from back home, that has been nice. Sort of preperation for after baby gets here.
Nesting kicked in big time today... but I can't do too much as I get tired so fast... so trying not to get too frustratd where that is concerned.
Life is good.
No, life is perfect. I have everything I could ever want. A best friend who is also my hubby, and a gorgeous daughter, both of whom I love more than anyone else in the universe.

Baby Joy

2007-08-11T08:57:00.000-05:00

We had the baby shower last night, my wonderful friends were there, all of whom are dear to my heart. Baby cakes got some fabu gifts and the time was really enjoyable. My mother was in town for it, which was nice, but i didn't get to spend any time with here. My aunt was here as well... but i am ambivolent about her.
I'm getting more excited for baby to get here. She is sleeping a lot lately, she has much growing and putting on fat to do! :) I can hardly wait to see her, it will be so exciting. I should go send my thank you cards now... a little something to do before things get way too crazy.
Today is too humid again.. i will probably spend it working on T Y cards, and taking some naps.. I'm a little suprised at how very tired I am and get these days. I know it is from being at the tail end of my pregnancy, but I'm not used to being limited to be up for only a half hour at a time. If i'm up longer than that.... I get contractions.. so I'm resting.
For now, MBB

Iblukcan

2007-08-07T21:17:00.001-05:00

I haven't been generating a lot of words of which to put on here. In a very creative place still though... what words are created are recorded in my notebook, maybe for public consumption at a later date. Still doing a lot of other art-y things... photos which you can see in my photos. Sort of just internal right now. As I've evolved, I have become one who doesn't really need the outside influence of others.
Have a very dear friend here visiting.. which is fabulous and brings me joy. We are both deeply creative, so we can be in the same room, painting, writing, shooting.. etc, and not need words.
As time has passed, I've realized it isn't the number of friends you have, but the quality. And I am blessed with valuable, dear friends. I'm very grateful for them.
for now, Le Miye

Lunch, movie, Harry Potter and Greens

2007-07-21T21:00:00.000-05:00

I got a lot of work done yesterday, which made me muchly happy. I had a delicious lunch with a friend, that made me full and happy. (Thank you L.)

Last night, I finally got to see my movie Way of the Peaceful Warrior... (Which by the way, if any of you are interested in watching it, is called "Paceful Warrior") I didn't get to fininish it, because sleepiness took over. But it from waht I saw, it rocked! I was a bit skeptical because after I got it, I saw that they based the movie on the book... read, 'we took ample liberties to make it sellable." LOL. There were few glitches, but nothing major or upsetting.. as least as far as I got in the movie. The only bad thing was the main character they chose, was also in a few scary movies... now in MBB world, if i see you in a scary movie, or a movie where you play a really bad person,, you are etched in my brain as such. (seriously, it took me quite a few years and many viewings of Fried Green Tomatoes to get over my fear of the lady who broke the guys ankles in misery.) So the main character in Warrior, was a bit unnerving for me, because i'd previously seen him in quite a few scary movies. I know i'm not telling you actor/actresses names, I don't ever know them. Minute, unimportant detail. (and a bit of pregnancy brain.) Hell, yesterday I saw another dear friend at the CSG, and I totally blanked her name.... I felt so bad. Could not think of it for the life of me.

Anyway, so the movie is good. I had fully planned on going to capture some of the Harry craziness that was rumored to be hitting vermillion at the witching hour.... not that I wanted to be a part of it, but I certainly wanted to see it. Well, that didn't happen, as I was in bed by 11. I woke up this a.m quite refreshed and said... "dammit, I missed the harry potter craziness." I love JK Rowling as an author, have not read through any of her books, but as an author and a human being, she seems pretty amazing. All writers (ok, some writers, many writers) long to have her wham bam career. So, the morning news was all infested with harry potter-ness. I didn't watch it, I went and ate my breakfast.

Tortoise update. I had told you in a earlier post that I changed his name to Vern, but wasn't sure if I liked that.
I do. It will stay Vern. For those of you who have seen Over the Hedge, you know how that Vern was a Vern? Well, my little guy is a Vern as well. (and not just cuz he sleeps in a log.) He has informed me that there will be NO spinich in his food, he will only eat certain greens and the others will simply be tossed aside. This from an animal who, previous to living at my house, was fed frozen vegtables. What is it wiht my animals, I bring them into my house and suddenly they think they are royalty. So, I had to go buy him completly new food, food that up to this point, is still being decided on whether it is good enough or not.

Results to come.

But he is soo cute, you just want to kiss his little head.
But I can't. For risk of salmonella poisoning.
But I would, if I could.
Ok, I'm off to other adventures now. L I hope you and B had lots of fun at the b-day party for M. M, I hope you had a fab b-day.

button

2007-07-18T10:43:00.000-05:00

the stumble button absolutly rocks!!!! yet another thing to get addicted to on the internet... oh there are so many.

hektakiya

2007-07-17T12:20:00.000-05:00

I'm back.
Again.
I keep leaving blogger, only to return. I love my other blog but I can't link my other friends to it, and that is annoying. And people keep wanting to find me, not easy to do with my other blog. So, I've returned.

I will try to put some writing in here, though it may just be blatherings and news and such. Maybe writings that are being "tried out."
It's lila kata kile. Much too hot.
I'm going now, maybe more later. MBB